


The Spirit by the River

by lonesomewriter



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Abusive Parents, Alternate Universe, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst and Feels, Developing Friendships, Feelings, Ghosts, M/M, Ouija, Spirits, Tags Are Hard, Unhappy Ending, i guess, mcd is only for jian yi, momo & xixi bonding hours, since he is a ghost yknow, these boys are dumb I love them, tianshan being relationship goals without being officially together, xixi needs hugs, zhanyi being tears and sorrow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:53:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 24,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22912792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonesomewriter/pseuds/lonesomewriter
Summary: It's a cold day in autumn when Zhan Zheng Xi finds a spirit by the river on his way home from school. With just one glance, he is mesmerized by the ghost of a boy with light hair and the most striking pair of golden eyes, wanting desperately to get closer to him. But in a blink, the spirit is gone. Through Zhan Zheng Xi's perseverance, the two boys of very different backgrounds are able to create a bond unlike anything either of them have ever felt before.
Relationships: He Tian/Mo Guanshan (19 Days), Jian Yi/Zhan Zhengxi (19 Days)
Comments: 29
Kudos: 73





	1. I wonder if Beethoven

**Author's Note:**

> I made this work for the [19 Days Bang](https://19daysbang.tumblr.com/) which unfortunately got cancelled due to personal issues the mod had to face :< (I hope they're fine now!! <3) I loved writing this story and working with the artists, it was my first time writing for this fandom (I usually only write during events and this was the first and so far only 19 days one I've stumbled upon) and it has been such a joy <3<3<3
> 
> I've got some amazing artist making pieces for this fic *sobs* they're all so talented and I'm honored to have them create such beautiful pieces for this, make sure to check them out from the links below! ^^ (I'll add them once they've been published)
> 
> Here are the lovely artists working for this:  
> [Eden](https://www.instagram.com/whimsynerd/), here is the links to the most beautiful and amazing art they created: [tumblr](https://whimsicaldraws.tumblr.com/post/611157663484657664/here-is-all-my-art-for-the-19daysbang-which-was), [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/p/B9FnyNTA7q-/?igshid=1ejbx3mug7twb)  
> 😍😍😍  
> [Zoe](https://hifu-m.tumblr.com/) ([twitter](https://twitter.com/hifu_m))  
> [Nova](https://twitter.com/noartnova) ([insta](https://www.instagram.com/noartnova/?hl=fi)) has been busy with school and might not be able to make any art for this, but they're very talented and deserve all the love <3

The crisp autumn wind brushed yellow leaves on its tail as it swept across the paved road. Zhan Zheng Xi let his eyes follow the trail as he strolled down the road, feeling at ease. 

He had just gotten off from school, and on a whim had chosen to take the scenic way home through the sparse forest nearby instead of going through the grey suburban blocks. It was a fine Friday afternoon, his mother was working late tonight and his sister was staying at their grandmother as usual, so there was no reason to hurry home. 

The autumn was at its peak, and Zhan Zheng Xi inhaled the sharp air with full heart, enjoying the scent of fallen leaves and mud. Autumn was easily his favorite season, with the vibrant colours, brisk sharpness of the air and the poetic sense of melancholy it all evoked in him. Somehow seeing everything around him die reminded him of his own mortality in a way that was oddly comforting. 

Pulling his red scarf tighter around his neck, Zhan Zheng Xi continued his way down the road, smiling inwardly when he saw the thick river bend from across the trees to follow along as the stone paving stopped and continued on coverless. The dark water flowed leisurely, every bit as unhurried as the young man felt. 

The school day had been boring as usual. Zhan Zheng Xi’s class was quite small in size, consisting only of seventeen pupils. He had been lucky to get all the relatively normal kids as his classmates, as it was nowhere near as rowdy and restless as the other two classes in his year were. In a tiny public school such as Central Middle School, it was really a die roll whether the class was mostly tolerable or completely chaotic.

The road morphed into a gently sloping hill, and Zhan Zheng Xi momentarily lost sight of the river from behind the dense ashen trees. He sighed, absorbing the colourful scenery with a heavy heart. Soon all the leaves would have fallen to the ground and turned into brown mush, leaving behind only the cold, wet and miserable part of the autumn. 

A beam of light flashed through the leaves, and Zhan Zheng Xi halted. He stared between the trees, but saw nothing out of the ordinary. Frowning, he rubbed his eyes before continuing to walk ahead, assuming that he hadn’t gotten enough sleep lately and was just imagining stuff.

He didn’t make it more than ten steps when he saw another flash, this time closer and more clearer than the first one. His breath catching in his throat, Zhan Zheng Xi noticed someone sitting farther down by the riverbed, down where the trees had became more sparse again. The person had a faint, whitish glow around them, wearing nothing but a thin t-shirt and sweatpants.

Before Zhan Zheng Xi could wrap his mind around on what exactly was going on, his feet were carrying him down the muddy slope and towards the mysterious person. He ignored the whole glowing thing, and focused on how thinly the person was dressed.

They must feel very cold, as the weather was below ten degrees already. Zhan Zheng Xi had a spare hoodie in his backpack, and he thought of giving it to the person. Maybe he could guide them home if needed, and that would be it. He didn’t necessarily want to go down there to help them, but he didn’t want to leave the other to suffer alone either.

But before he could reach the riverbed, the person turned around, and Zhan Zheng Xi momentarily forgot how to breathe.

It was a boy around his age. He had ash blond, shoulder-length hair and a pair of strikingly golden eyes. Zhan Zheng Xi inhaled sharply as a forceful wave of nostalgia brushed over him, rooting him to the place and tying his tongue to knots.

When the boy noticed him, his almost angelic face turned into a one of shock, and then he was gone. Zhan Zheng Xi blinked, his hand that he hadn’t even noticed had been reaching out now hanging useless in the air.

The whole occurrence happened in the span of two minutes, and Zhan Zheng Xi had a hard time wrapping his mind around what exactly even had happened. But one thing he was sure of, and that was that his mind wasn’t nearly creative enough to come up with a boy such peculiar as the one he’d just met.

Which only left one conclusion; he’d just seen a ghost.

*

Later that night, when Zhan Zheng Xi was already lying under the covers, his mind was still unable to forget the sparkling eyes and that surprised look on the ghost’s face.

From ever since he had been no older than six, Zhan Zheng Xi had believed in ghosts and the spiritual world. It had started when he’d been visiting his grandparents one weekend, her grandma having always been keen of odd stuff. 

Zhan Zheng Xi remembered especially well the huge crystal ball she had had in her study, a device she had said was used to see the past and the future, as well as to communicate with the deceased. Zhan Zheng Xi would probably never forget the time he had sneaked in to the study, just to touch the crystal ball despite his grandma’s forbiddance. The scent of incense in the air had mixed in with the dark, old wood and worn silk cloths hanging around the walls, the atmosphere thick with a sense of adventure. 

When Zhan Zheng Xi had reached the crystal ball, he had hesitated. His grandma had presses on how he wasn't allowed to touch it, as it could mess with her spiritual Chakra, or something. But being a curious boy in front of such a magical object, Zhan Zheng Xi had given in to his curiosity, and pressed his tiny hands on top of the ball. 

Its smooth surface had been surprisingly warm to touch, the glass vibrating as if the tiny swirls of smoke inside were trying to get out. Zhan Zheng Xi had stared at the ball in awe, watching as the smoke inside got thicker, the twirling more prominent as the ball got warmer and warmer. He had yelped when it had started visibly shaking in his hand, dropping the now scolding thing to the floor with a loud bang.

But when the door had opened, the person rushing in hadn’t been his grandmother. No, it had been a man, taller than the doorframe as he had bent when stepping in. His eyes had been completely white, his mouth hanging open and dripping something black down his chin and onto his dirty, ragged dress shirt.

The last thing Zhan Zheng Xi remembered was the scream tearing its way out of his throat when the man had walked towards him, and then his grandmother’s arms around his shivering body. After the incident, he had never dared to enter the study again, having secretly rejoiced when his grandma had gotten rid of the crystal ball when his sister had been born.

Tossing around his bed, Zhan Zheng Xi struggled to fall asleep, the memory from his past and the pale face and that dripping liquid still vivid in his mind. Only after hours had passed, he finally managed to fall into a restless sleep, his dreams filled with the scent of incense and smoking crystal balls.

*

On next Monday, it was Zhan Zheng Xi's turn to assist with the after-school cleaning. For the first time in his school life, he was reluctant to take the rake and clean up the leaves. But being the rational person he was, he knew he'd better get to it and get it done quickly rather than mope and prolong getting home. 

Instead of seeing the boy he was supposed to clean the leaves with, Zhan Zheng Xi was met by a group of giggling girls. Having an inkling of what was going on, he went straight to the tool shed to get started, the girls following after when they noticed him, which happened only after Zhan Zheng Xi had already raked his first pile of leaves. 

"Ah, do you think He Tian will praise us after we've cleaned for him?" a short brunette asked, her sugary tone ringing in Zhan Zheng Xi's head, confirming his assumptions. Of course no one else in their grade would be able to get so many girls taking their duties than He Tian, a rich and cocky boy from class  _ one _ .

Zhan Zheng Xi tuned the girls out after they started arguing over which one of them He Tian fancied the most. Although Zhan Zheng Xi didn't care for gossip, at least with the girls' help the leaves were cleaned faster.

After he had made sure all the tools were back in the shed and that he had thanked all the girls, Zhan Zheng Xi headed out without looking back. Over the weekend, he hadn't been able to shake off the ghost boy he'd seen by the river from his mind. 

What was he doing there? Why had he disappeared so soon? Could it really be he had just made him up in his mind? 

There was an endless ray of questions in his mind, but no answers he could confirm unless he went back to the river, and asked the boy himself. It wasn't the most foolproof plan, as there was no guarantee the boy would appear there anymore, or that he would stay if he did. 

But Zhan Zheng Xi could be quite stubborn if he put his mind into something, and to say he was fascinated by the ghost would be downplaying it quite a bit. 

And so he made his way down the same path he had walked last Friday, this time giving himself no time to appreciate the burst of colours around him. All he could think of was the ghost, and the possibility he wouldn't even be there. 

As the woods thinned out and the road tilted, Zhan Zheng Xi's eyes fixed on the river curving merrily between the trees. His heart was beating erratically in his chest, the motion similar to after having taken a cooper's test. Which was a weird sensation to have after not making any effort, as Zhan Zheng Xi wasn’t really in a bad shape.

After he reached the top of the slope and there still hadn’t been any signs of the ghostly shine, Zhan Zheng Xi's stomach dropped. He stopped, breathing heavily as he looked through the trees with narrowed eyes.

And then, there it was—a sliver of silvery glow shining between the barren branches. Zhan Zheng Xi froze momentarily, his already dejected posture tensing as new flash of hope arose inside of him. He blinked, slowly inching himself closer and closer to the source, his hands shaking and eyes glued on that glimmering trace of light. 

The boy was wearing the same clothes as before, the t-shirt still too thin for the weather. Zhan Zheng Xi shivered as he stared at the pale skin of his arms exposed to the crisp air, but then again, ghosts probably didn't feel temperatures. At least the boy didn't look like he was shivering, his blond hair slowly floating in the lazy wind.

Before he Zhan Zheng Xi could decide on how he wanted to approach the ghost, the boy opened his mouth. His voice was calm and kinda sugary **,** rather pleasant to the ears. Zhan Zheng Xi was momentarily enthralled by it, and almost missed out what was said. 

"I've never really liked autumn," the ghost said, making Zhan Zheng Xi speechless. He had expected some sort of a question, probably a rant on how Zhan Zheng Xi should respect a dead person's peace. But well, this was okay too. He could handle some small talk with a ghost, no big deal. 

Except that Zhan Zheng Xi was the least conversational person he knew. 

While he struggled to find the right words to continue the talk, the ghost turned to face him, his eyes studying him with a hint of laughter dancing on his face. Any possible words Zhan Zheng Xi had struggled to glue together in his mind evaporated out of his head, and he could feel his mouth growing dry when the ghost boy  _ grinned  _ at him. 

"Well? You are the one who came here to disturb me, it'd be rather rude to leave me hanging like this…" the ghost's tone was teasing, everything about him telling he wasn't really offended by Zhan Zheng Xi's lack of social skills. Moreover, he seemed intrigued about the boy, maybe even more than Zhan Zheng Xi was of him. 

"I'm sorry," Zhan Zheng Xi found himself saying, his hands pricking the loose yarns sticking inside his red and white mittens. "But what are you doing here?" 

There was a flash of some unrecognizable emotion behind the ghost's golden eyes, and he dropped his eyes onto the damp ground filled with colourful leaves. "I could ask the same from you." 

Zhan Zheng Xi realised he had been a bit tactless, and mentally scolded himself for not rehearsing what he was going to say beforehand. Somehow he had a feeling that even if he had done that, being in the presence of a ghost would’ve made him unable to remember anything anyways.

"Well, if you really want to know," the ghost said, locking his eyes with Zhan Zheng Xi, his eyes hollow despite the toothy smile on his face. "This is where I died."

The silence that followed made Zhan Zheng Xi loathe himself, wishing more than anything that he hadn't opened his mouth in the first place. The tensity in the atmosphere was almost cuttable by knife, the guilt gnawing inside Zhan Zheng Xi quickly escalating into painful measures.

"I'm sorry to hear that," he whispered, his words sounding empty even to himself. "I thought that might be the reason…”

“So you had to be sure?” the ghost snorted, finally turning back towards the water, making Zhan Zheng Xi able to breath a bit better now that his eyes weren’t on him.

“Well, now that I answered your question, you got to answer mine,” the ghost said, his tone filled with just enough pride to make Zhan Zheng Xi slightly annoyed. But he didn’t dwell on it, and instead asked the ghost what he’s question was, quite interested in what he could possibly want to know of him.

“You see, I’ve been dead for almost a year now,” the ghost admitted, his nonchalant way of talking about his death making chills run up Zhan Zheng Xi’s spine. “And yet, no a single soul has seen me, until now of course. So, you have some yin-yang eyes or some other bullshit like that?”

“Yin-yang eyes?” Zhan Zheng Xi was puzzled, the term ringing some distant bells in his head. The ghost shrugged, scratching his nose as if he wasn’t really interested of Zhan Zheng Xi’s answer.

“It’s something my mother used to read me bedtime stories of,” the ghost said, his voice softening when he mentioned his mother. Zhan Zheng Xi stared at the blond mop of hair, trying to imagine what it would feel like to just… Die, and never be able to see his own mother again.

“But well, I guess you don’t have them… You would interact with a lot more ghosts than me, and seeing you looked so surprised when you saw me, I’d say it’s safe to assume you’re just a regular weirdo.”

“I’ve seen a ghost before,” Zhan Zheng Xi blurted, not wanting the conversation to end or the ghost to grow bored of him and disappear. “When I was a kid. It was an older man.”

The ghost frowned. “So, no yin-yang eyes, but more like, some sort of sensitivity to ghosts? Ha, that’s funny. But why me? I mean, why you see me, and not some other ghost?”

“Are there many ghosts around here?” Zhan Zheng Xi asked.

“How many people do you think have drowned in this river?” the ghost threw him a question back, making Zhan Zheng Xi stare at the lazily flowing, ink-black water below them. The wind picked up, lifting some leaves around and into the water, disrupting the almost dead calm surface. Zhan Zheng Xi could almost see the dozens of dead bodies floating underneath, the thought making shivers ran up his spine.

They stayed silent a long moment. Zhan Zheng Xi let his eyes rise from the deadly waves into the ghost boy. He looked eerily serene in the cold, autumn evening, his pale skin making an artistic contrast against the bright, colourful leaves. There was deep, raw sadness behind his half-closed eyes, and Zhan Zheng Xi couldn’t help but think he was, simply put,  _ beautiful. _

“I don’t know your name,” he said after a while, wanting desperately to form a connection with the ghost, to make sure he could meet him again, could get more chances at unveiling the mystery behind his death.

The ghost boy locked his eyes with Zhan Zheng Xi’s, cocking his head as if trying to understand why this school boy would care about him this much. But whatever he was searching for in Zhan Zheng Xi’s eyes, he must’ve been satisfied enough to grand him an answer.

“Jian Yi,” he said, the words ringing clear in the brisk air.

_ Jian Yi, _ Zhan Zheng Xi mouthed the name, testing how it rolled in his mouth. Looking at the pale, lonely ghost, he only had a one thought in his mind.

_ It suits him. _


	2. held his breath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fight occurs between one redhead and some random kiddo 👀

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to mention last chapter but updates will be weekly ✌🏻 (except for today's since *laughs* I have poor time management skills)

“Zhan Zheng Xi! Zheng Xi  _ wait!” _

Zhan Zheng Xi, who was currently making his way to the canteen, stopped walking after realising his name was being called. For the past days, his mind had been too preoccupied by the ghost to pay much attention to his surroundings, even sometimes dozing off during classes. Fortunately he had always been a quiet person, so no one had noticed his absent-mindedness.

Turning around, he gave the girl jogging towards him a questioning look, his hands digging their way into his black track pants while he waited for her to catch up to him. Her blond ponytail swaying as she moved, her face flushed and a shocked frown on her face.

“What is it?” Zhan Zheng Xi asked curtly, curious as to why she looked as if someone had lit the school on fire in front of her eyes.

“There’s a fight! Between some boys from classes one and two!” she breathed, her chest heaving as she pointed towards the way she had come from. “Near the entrance, I haven’t seen any teacher’s to inform so far! Please Zheng Xi, please go tell them to stop it while I go get their classroom teachers.”

With a quick nod, Zhan Zheng Xi ran towards the doors, pushing his rumbling stomach out of his thoughts as he dashed through the corridor, hoping that the fight would’ve dissolved by itself without him needing to intervene. It wasn’t that he didn’t know how to fight, as being an older brother came with its responsibilities, but more so that he didn’t like fighting. It was an unnecessarily aggressive way of solving problems—as long as people could use their mouths to resolve issues, why bother using such harsh methods?

Slowing his pace when he passed the glassdoors and neared the school’s entrance, Zhan Zheng Xi could hear the loud noises of the crowd gathered in a circle by the gates, some clearly more enthusiastic than the others. Pushing his way past the mass of people, the sight he met was not a pretty one.

There were two students on the ground inside the circle, the bulkier one with his hands around the other’s throat, squeezing so hard the guy’s face matched his hair with its redness. They both had scratches on their faces and blood on their sweaters, the one currently on the top even having his sleeve torn apart, deep cuts showing in his forearm.

The redhead struggling underneath closed his eyes, his right hand digging into the fingers secured on his throat, while his right hand reached frantically at his side, as if searching for something, anything to help him out of the struggle.

Before Zhan Zheng Xi could as much as lift a finger or get any closer to the pair, the redhead had wrapped his fingers around a fist-sized rock, blindly hitting the other guy’s head with all he got. A loud, collateral gasp came from the audience, everyone freezing in shock as the guy who had been hit slumped to the side, his hands finally letting go of the redhead.

A pool of blood was quickly getting larger and larger on the ground. Zhan Zheng Xi finally managed to snap out of the daze he’d momentarily been swept into when he saw the dark redness soak the grey flagstones underneath. With swift movements, he was kneeling beside the unconscious guy, his hands pressed against his pulse point. The faint beat against his fingers made him sigh in relief.

At least the guy wasn’t dead.

Lifting his eyes to the onlookers, he yelled with a firm tone: “Somebody, call an ambulance! And get a nurse and a teacher here, too! All the others, you can back off!”

“I am calling 119,” a deep voice called from Zhan Zheng Xi’s left side. He nodded when he saw the class-idol standing tall behind him with a phone in his ear, his eyes fixed on the redhead gasping on the ground not far from them. His hands were rubbing his throat while his wide, red eyes stared at the unconscious man in shock, his mouth opening and closing as if he was struggling to decide whether to say something or not.

“You, stay there,” Zhan Zheng Xi said when he noticed the redhead had not yet ran off, his eyebrows knitted together when his eyes focused on the bruises and cuts around his face and neck. “You need to be checked too.”

Returning his attention back on the guy lying still on the ground, Zhan Zheng Xi felt oddly calm. He knew many who would close up and be unable to think clearly if put in the same, shocking situation, but luckily he had always been a level-headed and not easily shaken person. And so when he was certain the guy’s condition wasn’t worsening and that the ambulance was on its way, he turned back to the redhead and asked him in a casual tone: “What exactly happened here?”

It wasn’t the redhead who answered, however, but the class-idol. He still had his eyes on the redhead, his voice nonchalant as if he was talking about the weather. “This hero here, he is quite the feisty one. Wang Huang was apparently having a bad day and lashed out at our little red here, who had to fight to keep his face.”

Zhan Zheng Xi cocked an eyebrow at that, looking from the tall boy to the redhead. “Is that so?”

He didn’t elaborate, thinking it best they solved the issue with the teacher. Who, judging by the buzzing noise getting louder and louder behind them, wasn’t far. In no time at all, the two classroom teachers from both classes had arrived, taking in the pitiful state of the boy on the ground.

“Mo Guan Shan, if you don’t explain yourself  _ right this instant _ , don’t expect I won’t expel you on the spot,” the tiny teacher from class 1 spat out, her screeching voice nearly shaking the ground as she glared at the redhead, her chest heaving and hands balling to fists.

The other teacher laughed awkwardly, trying to pat her on the shoulder, before her eyes met her own student’s immobile body lying on Zhan Zheng Xi’s arms. Seeing the pool of blood on the ground, she shrieked, her long hair flying all over the place as she ran to his side, her hands shaking vigorously as she looked at the boy, her eyes swelling with tears.

“Wang Huang!”

The smaller teacher had also noticed the guy on the ground, her scowl turning into a genuine worry as he took in the state of both of the students. “What the —”

“It was him who started,” the class-idol suddenly spoke up, pointing with his head towards the unconscious guy.

“He Tian, what do you mean by that—”

The teacher didn’t get to finish her sentence, as right then they heard a faint sounds of the ambulance in the distance getting nearer. It startled the teachers, who started dispatching the students who hadn’t listened to Zhan Zheng Xi and stayed to watch.

After both of the fighters had been taken to the hospital, Zhan Zheng Xi was summoned among other participants to the principal’s office to give a thorough description of what exactly had happened. By the time he was released, the last lesson of the day was about to end, and there was no point in staying at school.

Zhan Zheng Xi went straight to the hallway to grab his things, quickly pulling his blue jacket on and leaving the school in record time.

*

“Oh wow, that sounds pretty intense!” Jian Yi breathed, his eyes fixed on the river as usual. 

“Hm.”

Zhan Zheng Xi was sitting next to him, having just finished telling the ghost about the fight. He wasn’t exactly sure what had made him come look at him instead of just going home, but he was glad he did. It was relaxing in some inexplicable sense, to just tell the other about his day. He usually wasn’t one to bother anyone with these sorts of things.

“You know, I would’ve probably been the kid getting beaten up,” Jian Yi admitted, a hint of something behind his laughter Zhan Zheng Xi couldn’t quite wrap his finger around. He stared at the ghost, waiting for him to explain further. The boy’s blond hair was veiling his face, his shoulders tense as he rubbed his knees with his palms. He looked so pitiful Zhan Zheng Xi had to avert his eyes, focusing on the red leaf about to fall from the maple that grew closer to the waterline.

“You see, I always kind of were the one kid no one liked.”

Still not looking at Zhan Zheng Xi, the ghost hugged his legs tighter, his voice barely audible over the whooshing of the forest around them. Chills ran up Zhan Zheng Xi’s back, and he was vaguely aware it had nothing to do with the cold wind.

“You know, I wonder how it would’ve turned out if I had been in your class?” Jian Yi asked, shifting to lean his weight onto his elbows, looking at Zhan Zheng Xi from behind the light locks shielding his face. “Would the two of us been friends? Or maybe you’d bullied me with the others…”

“I wouldn’t have,” Zhan Zheng Xi found himself blurting out. There was a fat pause between his words, and for the umpteenth time, Zhan Zheng Xi found himself cursing his lack of conversational skills. Swallowing, he frowned slightly as he struggled to explain what he meant. “I —I  would’ve protected you.”

“Really?” The way the ghost perked up was almost comical, his eyes widening and voice rising higher, a soft giggle leaving his mouth. “I guess we would’ve been best friends then! You know, I bet we would’ve been the  _ best _ best friends.”

The corners of his lips turned slightly upwards, and Zhan Zheng Xi let out the softest of chuckles. The river was flowing leisurely in front of them, and the air didn’t feel that cold all of a sudden.

“Hm, I’m sure we would’ve.”

*

A week later, Zhan Zheng Xi found himself staring at the redhead —Mo Guan Shan—sitting next to him, trying to understand him. The lanky boy had bandaid in his temple, his posture tense as he just barely managed to keep the complaint dancing on the tip of his tongue from falling out. The teacher had already twice threatened him with expelling, and Zhan Zheng Xi could feel how badly the boy wanted to spit something snarky at her, visibly shaking from the effort to stay still.

The teacher looked at the two boys with a satisfied smile on her face. She stood, fixing her round glasses on her nose before opening the door for the boys. “I’m sure the two of you will find the tutoring sessions useful in the long run. Now, you’re dismissed. Just don’t forget, next Tuesday on the school library, at four o’clock sharp!”

Nodding, Zhan Zheng Xi followed Mo Guan Shan when he dashed out, not being able to say a word to him before he was behind the corner and out of his sight. Taking a deep breath, Zhan Zheng Xi could only hope the guy would show up on Tuesday, or else he would need to wait an hour after his classes ended for nothing.

He didn’t want to tutor the redhead, but somehow his teacher had suggested him for the role, even though his grades were just barely above average, and nowhere near the best of their grade. Maybe she had thought he was too lonely, or was acquainted with the guy since he had happened to be there to help when the fight had occurred. But whatever the reason was, Zhan Zheng Xi wasn’t too happy about having to dedicate his Tuesday evenings into trying to teach someone math who clearly didn’t care jack shit about learning it.

Letting out a sigh, he shook his head before going back to his classroom, thinking it was no use crying over spilled milk. At least for every grade the redhead would raise under his tutelage, Zhan Zheng Xi would gain some extra study points. Not that he needed them, but it was always good to be on the safe side.

Looking outside at the silent schoolyard, painted yellow by the leaves, Zhan Zheng Xi sighed. He had a hunch this autumn was going to be a long one, and not solely because of the excessive study session.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed <3


	3. the first time his fingers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xixi learns something about Jian Yi's past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a new chapter, I hope you enjoy~

To Zhan Zheng Xi’s surprise, Mo Guan Shan actually did show up at the school library on Tuesday, and only five minutes late. He sauntered in, giving his tutor a short nod before slumping on the seat reserved for him in the corner near the science section. He was wearing an orange, oversized hoodie, the bandage on his forehead now gone, a faint yellowish bruise an only indication he had been hit in the first place.

“Your homeroom teacher gave me your exams and tests from your time in middle school,” Zhan Zheng Xi went straight to the point, wanting to get the tutoring started as effectively as possible. He skimmed through the stack of papers on the table, not noticing the way Mo Guan Shan’s brows knitted together as his face morphed into scowl.

“I see you haven’t failed them all,” he continued, pointing to the few tests he had found. “I take it you don’t struggle with calculus so bad, but algebra and geometry, especially trigonometry, are your stumbling blocks. So I think since our next exam is going to focus on algebra, we’ll start with that… But I’d like to go through the whole curriculum with you until you have a steady basics on how maths work. How does that sound to you?”

“Does it matter what I think?” the redhead answered, sticking his hands in his pockets, looking as if he’d rather be anywhere else but here. Zhan Zheng Xi blinked at him, dropping his eyes back to the papers.

“Do you want to learn math?” he asked after a while, knowing full well that the base to any learning was motivation, something his fellow classmate was clearly lacking. But Zhan Zheng Xi had no idea how to make someone find motivation to do something they clearly weren’t interested in, and he could feel a headache forming in the back of his head when Mo Guan Shan only shrugged, giving him no answer.

“You see, there’s no point for me to being here every Tuesday with you if you’re not going to study,” he let his voice drop, not caring to keep the frustration out of his tone. But to his surprise, his words made the redhead sat up in his chair and lean closer towards him on the table.

“Who said I won’t study?” he hissed, looking oddly hurt by the accusation. Zhan Zheng Xi blinked again, his mind blank as he vaguely realised he had failed to read the atmosphere completely.

“So—so you  _ do  _ want to learn?” he asked carefully, as if testing the waters. Mo Guan Shan glared at him with more venom than Zhan Zheng Xi had ever seen in the eyes of someone his age. With a scoff, the boy leaned back on his chair, clicking his tongue loudly.

“I’m not a complete idiot, I do know I need to pass the math course if I want to graduate and get out of here,” he explained as if he was talking to a five-year-old, not filtering out any of the bite from his voice. “And I want to get out as soon as I can, you got it? So you better teach me well, at least better than my teacher does anyways.”

_ Okay, I think I can work with this, _ Zhan Zheng Xi thought, relief washing over him when he realised the boy had some source of motivation, and a clear goal.

“So, I think we could start today by making a schedule. I prepared a rough one in advance, but we’ll need to adjust it to better fit your needs.”

Having reached a mutual understanding of what they both needed from each other, the hour passed quite smoothly. By the time the clock struck five, they had a finished schedule and a vague plan for the next five study sessions. Stretching his back, Zhan Zheng Xi gave Mo Guan Shan a curt nod, watching him storm out of the library with a hastily muttered goodbye. He stuffed his notes leisurely into his backpack before he too left.

*

“You have a little sister?” Jian Yi sounded surprised, lying on top of the leaves with a wide smile on his face. “Haha, I bet she looks just like you!”

“She doesn’t,” Zhan Zheng Xi frowned, thinking of the fierce, tiny girl, finding little to no resemblance between himself and her. He let his eyes rest on the ghost sprawled on the ground, something warm sparkling in his chest as he stared at the joyous look on Jian Yi’s face. Yearning to hear more from him, he asked: “Do you have—did you have any siblings?”

The ghost shook his head, sighing as he stared at the shivering branches above him. “I’m glad I didn’t. It was enough work protecting my mom without having to look after anyone else. But I guess an older brother would’ve been practical… Well, if he’d been like you that is.”

It’d been four weeks since they’d met, and Zhan Zheng Xi had made sure he visited the ghost every day he could. But yet, he felt like he didn’t know too much about the young boy, apart from general things like how much he adored his mother and how much he hated insects. But anything more deeper than that, Jian Yi was like a blank page to him.

Mustering up the courage to ask the question that had been burning in the back of his mind ever since he first met the ghost, Zhan Zheng Xi inched closer to Jian Yi until his knees almost touched the boy’s waist. “If it’s okay to ask, I’d like to know… How did you—how did you die?”

“I thought you’d never ask!” Jian Yi laughed brightly, looking smug about his stupid joke. Pushing himself up to rest on his elbows, he looked at Zhan Zheng Xi with one eyebrow raised. “You sure you want to know?”

Zhan Zheng Xi swallowed, nodding slowly as his fists clenched together against his thighs. He was afraid of the answer, but the need to know far surpassed the fear.

“It’s not a particularly interesting story, I gotta warn you,” Jian Yi said, his eyes falling to the river. The wind brushed over the two boys, and for a moment Zhan Zheng Xi could see the halo of that ghostly light around Jian Yi again. Under its shimmer, he looked older by nearly a decade, his otherwise so smooth skin now shadowed by the miseries of his past.

He was quiet for a moment. Zhan Zheng Xi let him gather his thoughts, although the air he was breathing was getting more tense by every passing second. When Jian Yi finally opened his mouth, his tone was heavy, having no ounce of the joking lilt Zhan Zheng Xi had grown so used to by now.

“My dad was absent most of my childhood, but the times he was home… He was, how’d you say it—aggressive? Kinda like, he was never sober for one, I don’t remember ever seeing him without a bottle in his hand,” Jian Yi explained, his eyes following the two ducks paddling on the dark water. “And my mom—I guess she loved him once, I don’t know. But she was too afraid to get divorced, so she tried to suffer silently, always being good to me even though she was rarely home because of her work.”

Zhan Zheng Xi looked at Jian Yi’s face, his heart tugging at the pain behind the golden eyes. His fingers twitched to reach out, to reassure the ghost that it’s okay. He forced them to stay still, honoring the other’s personal space.

“So I was quite lonely and pretty desperate to be loved, being too clingy and annoying for the other kids. And it was fine by me! For the most of the parts anyways, as it made me love the weekends when mom was home and had time to be with me so much more. But then, I guess when I was twelve, so like, two years before I died? Well anyways, dad started to show up at home more, even when mom wasn’t around. When she was, he always argued with her, and it was very chaotic. Plates being thrown all over the place and stuff — you know how it is.”

Zhan Zheng Xi wanted to say that no, he didn’t know how it was, but bit his tongue, wanting to let the ghost finish the story without any interruptions.

“And when he got violent, I tried to talk sense into mom, tried to tell her we needed to get out,” Jian Yi’s voice dropped even more, the pain creeping into his voice as he was clearly reliving those troublesome days of his past. “But she refused to listen. Said that dad was just tired, and that we should give him space. But he wasn’t  _ tired _ , he was  _ drunk. _ Drunk, and out of his mind. So I did what I thought was the best solution, and started taking the hits for mom.”

Jian Yi paused, letting out a dry laugh at his foolish past self. “I don’t know why I thought it would work, but I couldn’t just stand aside while he hurt her. And so I threw myself in the middle. It did nothing more than made it two people needing to be patched up instead of one, and after that I guess he must’ve found it amusing to see how much I could take before—well, you know…”

Clearing his throat, Jian Yi continued. “It was near the last days of summer when he finally snapped completely. He had come home earlier than usual, smelling worse than usual. He kept muttering to himself, pacing around the living room, stopping every once in a while to take a gulp from his bottle, or to throw something or break something. Mom was working overtime that day, I never saw her before I, before he…”

Jian Yi stopped talking, taking a shuddering breath as he cast his head down, letting his hair block his expression. Zhang Zheng Xi didn’t want to hear the rest of the story anymore, didn’t want to force the ghost to relive those last moments anymore than he already had. His chest hurt, the squeezing of his heart so painful he was struggling to breathe. He couldn’t even begin to imagine how hard this must’ve been for Jian Yi, how terrible it must’ve been to live through all of that. 

“I—I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have asked…”

Jian Yi laughed weakly, the quiet sound thick with emotions. He dropped his head between his legs as he muttered in a shaking voice: “It’s okay, it’s all in the past now.”

Zhan Zheng Xi frowned at the words, wanting to tell the other that it didn’t matter how long ago it happened. He wanted to wrap Jian Yi into his arms and tell him to let it all out, to cry until there would be no tears left. But in the end, all he did was sit there by his side until the sun went down and it got too unbearable to sit on the cold ground.

*

Jian Yi’s words kept clinging in the back of Zhan Zheng Xi’s head, to the point he was having struggles falling asleep at night. He had always been a healthy boy, never having suffered from insomnia like this. After a week of getting next to no sleep, he decided he needed to do something, and that something was to help Jian Yi.

He had quickly realised it wasn’t what the ghost had said that had upset him per se, but the fact that those things had happened to  _ Jian Yi, _ someone who had very quickly grown to be an important figure in his life. It pained him beyond his ability to understand, just how terrible the life the ghost had lived had been, and he wanted to do his everything to make things better for him.

And so Zhan Zheng Xi found himself checking every library and bookstore in the city, scanning through every website to find something, anything really, that could help making afterlife better for a ghost. Even now, when he was supposed to be tutoring Mo Guan Shan, he was scrolling through a spiritual blog, hesitating whether he should believe the article he was reading or not.

“Hey, could you help me a bit?” he hesitantly asked the redhead quietly copying his notes next to him. After they had had a first proper study session, Zhan Zheng Xi had come to notice the redhead wasn’t as bad or nearly as delinquent as he wanted to come off to others. He was quite quick with his tongue, and smart despite his low grades. The two had grown, well if not close, but to be able to tolerate and respect each others presence. Which was way more than Zhan Zheng Xi could’ve expected in such a short amount of time.

“What are you doing?” Mo Guan Shan’s head perked from his notes, clearly grateful for the break. Peeking at Zhan Zheng Xi’s laptop screen, he took one look at the topic the other was scrolling through, frowning before hauling his chair closer to him, reading the header of the article aloud: “ _ Of ghosts and spirits—the lingering fragments of lost souls on Earth.  _ Okay, so why the fuck are you reading this shit?”

Zhan Zheng Xi shrugged, knowing full well that trying to explain Jian Yi to the other would make him seem out of his mind. “Just a theory my sister told me about. So, do you believe in ghosts?”

“Why the fuck would I?” Mo Guan Shan scowled, quickly skimming through the article. “Well, I guess if I had someone close to me die suddenly… But still, what’s dead’s dead, they won’t just, how does it state it here,  _ ‘keep lingering behind, chained by the unfulfilled wishes burdening their very soul’ _ , like what kind of bullshit is this even?”

“But like, if ghosts  _ did  _ exist…”

“Well, based on this article, all you have to do is help them sort out what’s keeping them here and then kiss a goodbye and call it a day,” Mo Guan Shan shrugged, still not returning to his homework.

“You said your sister  told you about this?”

“Yeah.” Closing the article, Zhan Zheng Xi shut the laptop after taking a look at the clock —it was already ten to five—before putting it in his bag. “She’s been spending more time at our grandmother’s, and she’s a real spiritual enthusiast. Anyways, I guess we can finish here for today, if you’ll take a picture of my notes and continue at home?”

Mo Guan Shan nodded, but didn’t bolt out of the library as quickly as he usually did. Zhan Zheng Xi didn’t bother waiting for him, and started walking out, thinking of visiting Jian Yi quickly before going home to do his laundry. He hadn’t even reached the door, however, when he heard someone running towards him, and felt a hesitant hand pressing onto his shoulder.

Turning around, he saw Mo Guan Shan standing behind him. The redhead wasn’t looking at him, but stared intensely at the ground, biting his lower lip as if hesitating on whether to speak or not Before Zhan Zheng Xi could ask if he had forgotten something, the redhead opened his mouth.

“My father, he used to be into that stuff. Ghosts and shit I mean,” he muttered, the tips of his ears slightly pink. “And I think we have some books, old magazines and stuff like that, at home. So I thought, I could bring them to you? If I find them that is…”

Zhan Zheng Xi smiled at him, nodding with gratitude. “That’d be nice.”

“Okay, I’ll text you then if I find them,” he said hastily, patting Zhan Zheng Xi’s shoulder before walking towards the door. Zhan Zheng Xi stared at his receding back, suddenly feeling an overwhelming urge to be by Jian Yi's side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The new update made me want to write some proper tianshan so bad sjadäskfl  
> If only I had time :')


	4. touched the keys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He Tian is looking for Momo, Xixi tries to find a way to help Jian Yi.

“Have you seen the redhead?”

Zhan Zheng Xi lifted his eyes from the rice and steamed vegetables, startled by someone putting their tray down on the vacant spot opposite him. He had purposely chosen the corner table and waited a bit after the lunch break had started to ensure he could scroll through his phone in peace without being noticed, but of course he didn’t get to take one bite before someone had to disturb him, even when no one usually did.

“You mean Mo Guan Shan?” he answered politely, thinking he’d get the other to leave quicker if he cooperated. But when he looked into the grey eyes staring at him curiously from behind black locks, he knew he was doomed.

Before he had even finished the thought, a group of giggling girls joined the table, all of them having their eyes locked on the tall and lean boy wearing a black turtleneck. The boy was, of course, no other than He Tian, the school’s prince. He smiled and nodded at Zhan Zheng Xi, paying the girls no mind. “Yep, that’s the guy! So, have you seen him around?”

Zhan Zheng Xi shook his head. Apart from their study sessions on Tuesdays, he rarely saw but a glimpse of the redhead here and there. What surprised him, however, was how He Tian’s face fell ever so slightly. He kept smiling, taking a deep breath as he looked at Zhan Zheng Xi as if measuring whether or not he was lying.

“Is that so?” he cocked his head, placing his elbows on the table, resting his chin on his hands. “Aren’t you tutoring him? How come you don’t know where he is?”

“E —excuse me!” one of the braver girls chimed in, a sweet smile on her soft face as she laid her hazel eyes on He Tian. “Are you talking about Guan Shan by any chance?”

For the first time since intruding Zhan Zheng Xi’s space, He Tian looked at his fangirls, a puzzled yet charming expression on his handsome face.  “Why, have you seen him?”

The girl’s smile widened, a lovely rose rising to her cheeks as she nodded enthusiastically. “Yes! I did see him, right before coming to eat! He was with his friends, on their way to the rooftop! That’s where they spend most of their recesses.”

“Is that so?” He Tian’s whole face brightened up as if he’d had an epiphany. Standing up, he gave the girl a dazzling smile. She looked startled at his abrupt movement, her phoenix eyes widening when she realised what he was doing. 

“Y —you’re leaving already?” she asked, not quite able to hide the disappointment in her voice. He Tian nodded, pointing at his tray with the slightest of pouts on his lips, looking just enough pitiful to not come off as needy. How he managed to pull off such looks so effortlessly, Zhan Zheng Xi would never be able to understand.

“Could you mind taking this to the bin for me? I have some urgent business to attend to,” He Tian’s voice was low and pleading, and Zhan Zheng Xi watched in astonishment when the girl’s eyes sparkled, and she nodded again. With a lovely pink coloring her cheeks, she pulled the tray closer to her as if to swear she would take care of it like her own child.

“I can! It’s no big deal at all!”

Giving her one last smile, He Tian nodded at Zhan Zheng Xi before leaving the cafeteria in long strides. Zhan Zheng Xi stared at him as he went, wondering what made him look for Mo Guan Shan so frantically, as if there was some huge matter he needed him for.

Shaking his head, he turned back to his meal, mourning silently in his heart for the lost chance to look at his phone. The last time he’d seen Jian Yi, he’d tried to pry from him what possible unfulfilled wishes he might have, but to no avail. The ghost seemed determined to not talk about his past anymore, even going as far as to comment how nosy Zhan Zheng Xi seemed to be of his past.

_ "You seem awfully interested in my past," Jian Yi laughed, something flashing in his golden eyes as he gave Zhan Zheng Xi a calculating look. His shoulders drooped, his voice growing smaller as he let out a sigh, turning to look away, a fake smile on his face. "The current me must be too boring, hahaha…" _

Zhan Zheng Xi had vowed ever since to try his utmost to never make the ghost look the way he had back then. He had mentally scolded himself the whole way back home, thinking it had been the most inconsiderate of him to have probed around so recklessly.

And so he had resigned back to researching, hoping to find some solid proof of people who had successfully managed to help ghosts out. But so far, the best he’d found had been some shady exorcist, which wasn’t at all what he wanted.

Looking at the girls giggling while throwing yearning looks at where He Tian had disappeared to, Zhan Zheng Xi inhaled deeply before wolfing down his food and exiting the cafeteria.

*

“Fuck!”

The curse was followed by a loud bang, and Zhan Zheng Xi wasn't surprised when he saw the redhead leaning against the table, his books fallen to the floor as a result of his outburst. This was already the third time Mo Guan Shan had yelled aloud during today's study session, not even counting all the curses and grunts being muttered not-so-discreetly under his breath. 

Zhan Zheng Xi had let the boy vent out without reprimanding him for twenty minutes now, but seeing how whatever it was that was bothering him was effectively taking his attention away from studying, he decided it was time for him as a tutor to step in.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, returning his attention back to his laptop. He had found an interesting blog last night about an elderly woman who had befriended a ghost in her adolescence, and he was hopeful of finding some useful content on her writings.

Mo Guan Shan groaned, not moving an inch to pick up the books from the floor. His voice was muffled as he spoke against the table. “It’s nothing really.”

Zhan Zheng Xi lifted an eyebrow at the statement, but clicked open the next blog post without looking at the redhead. If the other didn’t want to talk, he wouldn’t pry. But just as he was moving onto the second paragraph, the boy suddenly bolted up from his seat, looking at the phone vibrating in his hands with disgust.

“Ah fuck, is he insane?” he groaned, tossing his phone on his pocket, before sitting back down. Zhan Zheng Xi stared as the boy fidgeted in his seat for a fat minute, an ominous feeling rising in his chest.  _ Was he being bullied? _

If that was the case, then there was really no way Zhan Zheng Xi could help him. Mo Guan Shan had a bit of a reputation as a bully himself, so the person capable of picking on him would be someone too strong for Zhan Zheng Xi to handle with his inexperience. Which would leave only one option; to tell a teacher.

He swallowed, taking a moment to choose his words carefully before speaking in the softest tone he could muster: “Hey, are you really okay? You know, if someone is giving you trouble, you can tell me?”

Mo Guan Shan threw him an ugly look, his whole being screaming of ‘like you could do anything about it’. But he shook his head, his face smoothing as he let out a condescending scoff. “It’s nothing that big, as if anyone even could give  _ me  _ trouble.”

Zhan Zheng Xi found that hard to believe, but decided to keep his mouth shut. Instead, he kept waiting for the other to continue. And surprisingly enough, it didn’t take Mo Guan Shan long to sigh loudly, fishing his phone out of his pocket only to turn it off and toss onto the table before turning to look at Zhan Zheng Xi.

“You know that guy who was there during the fight? The tall, black hair, dark eyes, looks like you want to punch him in the face?”

At first Zhan Zheng Xi had no idea who Mo Guan Shan was referring to, but then an image came to his mind, making him frown. “You mean He Tian? He was looking for you the other day, by the way. But what about him?”

Mo Guan Shan let out a sound dangerously close to hissing, his nose scrunching up with distaste. “Yeah, that’s the bastard. Anyways, I owe him a favor. For you know, not telling I was actually the one who started that fight.”

“Is he pestering you?” Zhan Zheng Xi’s frown got deeper. It would be a difficult situation if that was the case, as He Tian was a top student and a known second generation nouveau riche, loved by the teachers and students alike.

“No, not like, well, not  _ pestering  _ really, just…” Mo Guan Shan sighed in what sounded more like a whine, and stared at his dead phone lying on the table. “I offered him money first, but of course he wouldn’t accept it, that  _ bastard.” _

“Huh, well, what does he want then?”

Mo Guan Shan threw his hands in the air. “The fuck if I know! And then he keeps inviting me to his fucking house to clean and cook like I’m his fucking maid or some shit. It’s rich, entitled shits like him that are the worst honestly.”

Zhan Zheng Xi nodded, turning back to his laptop. “You should be careful, he could easily take advantage of the situation. Start by making you do small favors until it escalates into something serious, you know how it goes…”

A silence fell between them. Zhan Zheng Xi scrolled through the ghost blog, and was just about to get invested in the story again when Mo Guan Shan suddenly groaned aloud. “You know, Zheng Xi, is there any possibility you could tell that chicken-dick He Tian to leave me alone?”

The question was followed by another awkward silence. Zhan Zheng Xi tried to picture the situation in his mind, and decided then and there he would never, ever even imagine asking anything of He Tian,  _ ever. _

“Ah, just forget it,” Mo Guan Shan sighed, giving Zhan Zheng Xi a pleading look. “But could you consider going to his house with me? I can’t go alone, he’s just  _ that _ intolerable to handle alone.”

Not knowing what devil had momentarily possessed him, Zhan Zheng Xi found himself unable to decline after looking at the desperate look on the red, glistening eyes. And so they ended the study session early, and headed over to He Tian’s place after Mo Guan Shan had sent him a short message announcing his arrival.

*

There was rustling behind the door almost immediately after Zhan Zheng Xi had pressed the doorbell. He had barely released his finger when the door was hung open, and He Tian’s beaming face met the two boys standing in the hallway. His half-crescent eyes drooped when he noticed Zhan Zheng Xi, his shoulders tensing as he snapped his head to Mo Guan Shan, an oddly threatening smile forming on his face.

“I didn’t ask you to bring help,” he said between the frosty smile, completely ignoring Zhan Zheng Xi, leaning against the doorframe, his looming presence making the air in the hallway almost uncomfortably thick.

Mo Guan Shan gave him a glare that screamed ‘I don’t give a shit about what  _ you  _ think’, but what came out of his mouth was: “So are you gonna let us in or what? I ain’t got the whole day.”

He tried to push past He Tian, but the taller boy didn’t move an inch, on his face a victorious smile. Mo Guan Shan faltered when he pressed against the firm wall of muscle, his face resembling a tomato as he sputtered, incapable of uttering a word as He Tian wrapped his arms around him, scooping him up into a tight embrace.

“My my, if you wanted cuddles all you had to do was ask~” his voice was gentle and low, and Zhan Zheng Xi suddenly wished he hadn’t come after all. He turned his eyes off the couple as Mo Guan Shan regained his voice and started struggling out of He Tian’s hold.

“You piece of chicken dick!” the redhead shrieked, his fists hitting the broad chest as he frantically kicked the air. “Let. Me.  _ Go.” _

“Sure,” He Tian snickered, and turned into the apartment, carrying the struggling Mo Guan Shan inside. Zhan Zheng Xi took a deep breath before following them, closing the door behind him, taking his time with putting his jacket and shoes off.

As he walked over to the living room, he took note of how fancy the apartment was. The walls were high and bare, with minimalistic furniture. Even the living room was spacious enough to fit three of Zhan Zheng Xi’s apartments inside, the windows on the back covering the whole wall, showcasing the bustling city underneath.

He had never been in a place oozing with such rich and pompous energy before, but still he couldn’t help but feel the place was too plain, too barren for him to ever consider living in himself.

_ Maybe with more furnishing and someone to live here with me… _

He stared at the huge abstract painting to his left, thinking that Jian Yi surely would have a million and more ideas of how to make the apartment more liveable. He sighed, suddenly missing the ghost’s presence.

“You are so fucking disgusting!” Mo Guan Shan’s scream made him turn towards the huge bed at the far back of the living room, which seemed to be replacing a couch the place was lacking. He Tian was grinning like an idiot, sitting on top of the flustered redhead currently squirming under him.

Noticing Zhan Zheng Xi, Mo Guan Shan’s face turned into one of relief, the scrunched skin smoothing as he motioned to the boy to come save him. “Zheng Xi!”

He Tian pouted and moved reluctantly from the bed, finally acknowledging the presence of the third person in the room. He flashed Zhan Zheng Xi an indifferent look as he said to Mo Guan Shan: “So, what are you going to cook for me tonight?!

Zhan Zheng Xi retreated to the kitchen as the two started another round of bickering back and forth. He opened the fridge, lifting an eyebrow when he found it empty, apart from a ketchup bottle and some potatoes in questionable condition.

“There’s no food,” he stated as Mo Guan Shan finally came to the kitchen after a while, his face still flushed and whole being bustling with irritation. He scoffed when he heard Zhan Zheng Xi’s words, throwing a murderous look at He Tian, who was leaning against the kitchen door innocently.

“Oh, yeah that’s why I was asking about the recipe…”

After a short discussion, they decided to go to the store together and decide what to eat on the go. Zhan Zheng Xi kept glancing at the clock, feeling restless in his heart as he thought of Jian Yi on the riverbed, all alone. A pang of guilt made his stomach lurch as he realised he hadn’t told the boy he wouldn’t be coming today.

“Is there something wrong?” Mo Guan Shan asked after they had returned, and were unpacking the shopping bags. Zhan Zheng Xi was startled by the question, not having thought he was acting in a weird enough way to cause such worry.

“You keep sighing and looking at your phone, are you in a hurry?” he continued, putting some milk cartons in the fridge. Zhan Zheng Xi shook his head, turning towards the sink to wash the dishes He Tian hadn’t clearly been bothered with while he had been living here.

“It’s nothing…”

“Is it about that ghost?”

Zhan Zheng Xi stiffened, his hand shaking as he opened the tap. He was saved from answering, luckily, as He Tian returned from the bathroom where he’d disappeared a while ago, beaming as he saw the groceries had already been sorted.

“I see I’ve chosen a well dedicated maid,” he clasped his hands together, sliding behind Mo Guan Shan’s back to take a look at the recipe the redhead was currently going over in his phone. “I wouldn’t mind hiring you full-time!”

Mo Guan Shan slapped him off, the earlier concern having disappeared from his voice completely as he complained: “I’m not your fucking maid, who would even work for you? And besides, Zheng Xi helped.”

His words were followed by bright laughter, and Zhan Zheng Xi felt relieved for the interruption. Rolling up his sleeves, he put his mind into washing the dishes, completely ignoring the way the other two kept quarreling next to him.

By the time he was done with them all, Mo Guan Shan had cut the ingredients and was currently sautéing the vegetables. He was making a wok, which would be ready quickly. Zhan Zheng Xi took the liberty of making the table, carrying the plates and utensils to the living room after a short query at He Tian.

He put them down on a blanket as instructed, and tiptoed over to the large windows to stare into the darkening evening, Mo Guan Shan’s shrill voice carrying to the living room over He Tian’s laughter and the crackle of the food stirring on the pan. The air smelled of vegetables, spices and frying fat, and Zhan Zheng Xi’s stomach growled lightly at the thought of the upcoming savoury meal.

His eyes found the forest in the distance, and his mind wandered off to Jian Yi. Would the boy be waiting for him? Would he be anxious, thinking that something had happened?

Zhan Zheng Xi shook his head, dismissing the ridiculous thoughts. Jian Yi wasn’t like that, worrying over someone he had known for such a little while.

_ But if you were in his place, wouldn’t you be worried? _

He swallowed down the traitorous thoughts, and turned away from the window. He closed his eyes, listening to the sounds coming from the kitchen, hoping that the meal would be ready and over soon.

*

The food was simply delicious; Zhan Zheng Xi would’ve never guessed that someone like Mo Guan Shan would know how to cook, and be so good at it. The vegetables were soft and the meat tender, with just enough spices to burn in a good way. The one time Zhan Zheng Xi had tried to cook, the vegetables had been all soggy and the meat undercooked, with too little spice. 

He Tian kept annoying  Mo Guan Shan over the whole dinner, asking stupid questions and stealing food from his plate, and even going as far as to trying to feed him. He held his chopsticks over the red, venomous face, trying to coax the fuming boy into taking a bite.

“Open up, Momo~” he cooed, blowing at the food before poking it against Mo Guan Shan’s tightly pursed lips. “Be a good boy~”

The only other glared at him, not daring to open his mouth to spit curses at him in case He Tian would use that as an opportunity of really pushing the food in his mouth. And so he could only silently swear to kill him in his mind, a thought that did not escape anyone who happened to take one glance at the bulging vein in his forehead.

“Momo?” Zhan Zheng Xi asked, trying to divert the conversation as a subtle way of helping his friend. But He Tian didn’t even look at him as he hummed, the chopsticks still trying to find their way into the reluctant mouth.

“Yeah, I heard his friends call him that,” He Tian said, a fond smile on his face as he stared at the redhead, who was getting angrier by every passing second. “I thought it’s very fitting, don’t you think so too,  _ Momo?” _

Having reached his limit, Mo Guan Shan swatted the chopsticks off, making the food splatter all over the blanket, some even making its way towards Zhan Zheng Xi, who closed his eyes and shielded himself behind his bowl.

“You fucking piece of shit! Can’t I even eat in peace you fucking — ”

He Tian sighed, reaching over to take Mo Guan Shan’s chopsticks that were lying idle in his bowl, his own currently rolling farther and farther away on the floor. “So fierce, just like a cat…”

Zhan Zheng Xi finished his food quickly, the air around the two having thickened with something that felt too domestic, too private for him to handle. As he took his bowl to the sink, he thought of how Mo Guan Shan, although he had a biting tongue and was seemingly disgusted by He Tian, was still sitting there, still finding energy to argue with him. 

If he really wanted to go, who would be able to stop him? After all, he was a known bully, there was no way he could cater to anyone’s orders just like he had for the whole day.

Taking a deep breath, he walked over to the living room, bidding the two a quick goodbye before escaping the apartment.

As he closed the door, he felt unsure if the two had even noticed him leave. Pushing the thought to the back of his mind, he ran down the stairs, too impatient to wait for the elevator. He wanted to see Jian Yi, and ask his opinion about the two friends Zhan Zheng Xi had found. Or well, who had found  _ him. _

*

“Today would’ve been my sixteenth birthday.”

Zhan Zheng Xi’s breath hitched in his throat. There was a pang in his heart, stinging like a needle had been pierced through. He had just arrived at the river, a little short of breath after running the whole way from He Tian’s place through the city.

He struggled to gather his thoughts, asking in a shaky, almost inaudible voice: “Really?”

Jian Yi was smiling, and if it wasn’t for the dullness in his eyes or the tension in his pose, one would’ve almost think he was serene. But seeing him like this, trying to brush his death and stolen birthday as if it was nothing hurt Zhan Zheng Xi more than anything else ever could.

“It’s not that it matters really, I never even celebrated my birthdays that much,” Jian Yi breathed a laugh, his knuckles white from squeezing his shoulders tightly with his shaking hands. He looked fragile, quivering in the darkness as if the lightest breeze would take and brush him into dust, disappearing into the wind as if he had never even been there.

Zhan Zheng Xi’s heart was bleeding, and his hand jolted towards the ghost without him having any control over it. He wanted to, he  _ needed  _ to wrap the other in his arms, to hold him tight and let him know he was there, that he would always be there for him.

But the tips of his fingers pushed right through Jian Yi’s shoulder, chills running up Zhan Zheng Xi’s spine as if he had just dipped his hand into a bowl of icy water. Jian Yi was staring absent-mindedly ahead, his glassy eyes focused on nothing.

Zhan Zheng Xi swallowed as a new, unfamiliar wave of longing and hurt washed over him. Slowly, he let his hand fall back to his side, all the words of comfort dying in is throat when he was brought back to the reality so brutally; Jian Yi was a  _ ghost. _ He wasn’t alive, nor would he ever be again.

All of a sudden, the air felt ten degrees colder, the darkness too encompassing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed ^^


	5. The same way a soldier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He Tian joins the study session and learns about Jian Yi.

“But who the fuck gave you a permission to join us!?” Mo Guan Shan’s shrill voice echoed in the school library, earning him a stern look from the librarian sitting by his desk near the door. Lowering his voice, Mo Guan Shan glared at He Tian, who was currently sitting on the round table. There was the smuggest grin possible on his satisfied face, his chair pressed side by side with the redhead's. 

“I’m a top student, of course I’d use the library regularly~” He Tian’s smirk only got wider as Mo Guan Shan took his books and moved to sit next to Zhan Zheng Xi, who was currently trying his best to block the two out and focus on his own research.

“Where do you think you’re going?” although he was smiling, He Tian’s tone was freezing, making Mo Guan Shan sweat in his seat.

“Zheng Xi is my tutor,” he stated the obvious. Zhan Zheng Xi sighed at the lost chances of not being involved in whatever these two were having again.

“So why won’t you just scram, there are plenty of tables free for you!”

He Tian’s laugh was strained. He grabbed the back of Mo Guan Shan’s chair, pulling him back next to himself in one suave pull. Both Zhan Zheng Xi and Mo Guan Shan stared at him in shock for a moment, finding He Tian’s strength far surpassing many adults they’d seen.

But even if Mo Guan Shan was impressed, he quickly schooled his face and tried to punch He Tian, who grabbed his wrist effortlessly, pulling his hand to peck his knuckles a quick kiss.

“You!” Mo Guan Shan spat, yanking his hand back as if it had been scalded, his eyes wide and face turning red. “Why the fuck would you do that for!?”

He Tian laughed, pulling the boy into his arms, snuggling his cheek on the soft, red hair. “It’s only because you looked so irresistible…”

Zhan Zheng Xi could’ve sworn he saw Mo Guan Shan look  _ pleased  _ by the words, but the expression was gone so quickly he was certain he had seen things. And as usual, the redhead pushed away from He Tian, spitting curses at his face as he returned to Zhan Zheng Xi’s side.

“Please, just ignore that shit-eater,” he said, but the blush on his cheeks didn’t subside even after Zhan Zheng Xi began helping him with the formulas he was currently struggling with.

After some ten minutes, Zhan Zheng Xi was able to return to his laptop. Mo Guan Shan was silently scribbling his homework with more dedication than he’d ever shown so far. It was quite obvious he was trying to avoid He Tian, but Zhan Zheng Xi found himself hoping the school’s prince would start joining their study sessions more often if it meant Mo Guan Shan would actually learn something.

He opened the ghost blog, clicking on the post he had found just last night that had a detailed, step-by-step guide on how to help ghosts move over to the afterlife. Although just the idea of having to send Jian Yi off made Zhan Zheng Xi nauseous, he knew it was the right thing to do if Jian Yi himself so wished.

And if he did, well, then Zhan Zheng Xi had better be well prepared.

“Oh, this one actually looks pretty decent.”

Mo Guan Shan was apparently either done with the exercises or bored, making Zhan Zheng Xi stop scrolling as he turned the laptop so that the other could see the article better.

“Hm, this one is the first I could actually consider performing.”

“Cool,” the redhead squinted as he read through it, not noticing He Tian scooting closer to peek at the laptop.

“What’s this?” he asked, his smile cracking as Mo Guan Shan covered the laptop with his back, ignoring him completely. Zhan Zheng Xi didn’t want to be rude, and shortly explained how he was trying to find a reliable way to help a lonely ghost.

“A ghost?” He Tian raised his brows in disbelief, his tone bordering mockful, which earned him a scoff from Mo Guan Shan.

“So what? If you don’t believe you can just  _ fuck off,”  _ the redhead sneered. Zhan Zheng Xi found no heart to point out how Mo Guan Shan himself had said the whole ghost business was childish the first time he had heard of it. But he only looked at his friend, whose nose was pointed to the sky as he gave He Tian a challenging look, the attempt of intimidation ruined by the deep red spreading down the tips of his ears.

“Who said I don’t believe?” He Tian laughed, leaning over the smaller boy's shoulder to read through the article properly. Mo Guan Shawn's face turned from red to green until losing all color, his teeth gritted together, not daring to move. 

“But why are you interested in this?” He Tian asked, his eyes focused on the screen. For some reason, cold sweat broke through Zhan Zheng Xi’s body, the thought of exposing Jian Yi making him nervous.

Mo Guan Shan was about to say something snarky, but when he noticed how pale Zhan Zheng Xi had gotten, he frowned instead. “Hey Zheng Xi, are you okay?”

He Tian turned to look at the boy too, and Zhan Zheng Xi knew he shouldn’t try to hide Jian Yi’s existence. If the two boys thought he had gone mad, so what? It wasn’t like they were friends or anything anyways. And so he took a deep breath before clearing his throat, a light blush spreading to his cheeks as he started explaining how he’d met Jian Yi, and how he wanted to help him.

But contrary to what he had initially thought would be their reaction, both He Tian and Mo Guan Shan took the information surprisingly calmly. Mo Guan Shan nodded knowingly as Zhan Zheng Xi finished the story, while He Tian seemed lost in his thoughts.

“Okay, that explains a lot… But wait—you said you’d been seeing this ghost for, what, over a whole  _ month _ now?” Mo Guan shan asked, shaking his head when Zhan Zheng Xi confirmed that it had been actually almost two months now. “But you still don’t know why they’re here?”

The words seemed to bring He Tian back from his thoughts, as he snorted and shot the redhead a playful grin. “You think the ghost will just tell it to anyone? Did you even read the article, it clearly says that sometimes even the spirits themselves don’t know what’s keeping them behind…”

“Of course I bloody know that, I’m not an idiot,” he said, looking at He Tian as if the boy was mentally challenged. “And I wasn’t asking  _ you  _ anyways.”

Even though He Tian looked more amused than confrontational, Zhan Zheng Xi decided to intervene before things could escalate. “Anyways, I have to ask Jian Yi’s opinion first before even considering doing anything—”

“Wait, what did you say his name was?” He Tian asked, looking puzzled, even letting go of Mo Guan Shan as he got lost in his thoughts. Zhan Zheng Xi repeated the name, and after a moment, He Tian’s eyes widened slightly, his breath caught in his throat.

“What is it?” Mo Guan Shan’s voice was more neutral than it had ever been in He Tian’s presence, and yet he was ignored as the boy suddenly rose from his chair, grabbing his jacket and pulling it on in a haste.

“I need to check some things,” he explained, giving Zhan Zheng Xi a nod as he tied his grey scarf around his neck. “Hopefully I can be of help, but I can’t promise anything until I’ve done some research. Momo, I’ll see you around.”

With a nod, he dashed off the library without a glance behind, leaving the two boys staring at his back with equally confused faces.

*

It was already dark by the time Zhan Zheng Xi stepped out of the school grounds. The dim lamps painted the damp streets orange, accented by the light downpour. The rain made the cold breeze feel even colder, and he found his jacket being too thin for the weather. 

He raised his head up to stare at the telephone lines swaying along the wind, squinting as a spray of cold water hit his face. He sighed, quickening his steps as he made his way down the street and towards the all too familiar forest path. As the trees around him got thicker, his mind wandered to Jian Yi.

It was so dark he couldn't even distinguish anything beyond the closest branches reaching towards the path, and had to navigate the river by the sound of slowly running water. 

His heart squeezed as he thought of Jian Yi, sitting there all alone in the cold darkness. He wondered if he'd be able to take the ghost back home with him, if he’d even be willing to follow him. He knew it wasn't as if Jian Yi could feel temperatures or be bothered by it, but he knew he'd be able to sleep better knowing the other would be somewhere warm, and not alone. 

When he got to the spot where the forest started sparsening, Zhan Zheng Xi slowed down before taking a deep breath and stepping out of the path, slowly sliding down the muddy slope.

He inched closer and closer to the riverbed, carefully as not to slip on the wet leaves. But when he reached the usual spot, he froze—

Jian Yi wasn’t there.

Zhan Zheng Xi shivered as a stronger breeze brushed past him, the rainfall growing stronger with a swooshing sound. It was as if the frosty rain was falling straight through him, turning his insides into hard ice.

He called for the ghost quietly before walking along the riverbed, stumbling as the slippery mud below the leaves made his feet unsteady. Pushing through until the river bent, Zhan Zheng Xi swallowed as he realised that the ghost really weren’t there.

He stared at his feet as a new realisation dawned inside him—he was alone. Sneezing, he shook his wet head before starting to climb up the hillside back to the road, trying his best to take his mind off the newfound ache in his heart.

It felt wrong, so very wrong, to feel this alone when Jian Yi wasn’t there. The ghost had been alone for much longer, and yet there Zhan Zheng Xi was, guilt dripping inside his heart as he loathed himself for wishing Jian Yi would appear to keep him company.

At what point did he grow to be such a selfish person? It was kind of him to be there for Jian Yi when no one else did, but what right did he have to take advantage of the ghost’s presence to mend his own sorry self?

He bit his tongue, his nails digging to his palms inside his mittens as his feet hit the road, and he started running. The rainfall only got heavier, the forest around him howling from the wind, and Zhan Zheng Xi ran faster than he ever had.

He had never had any true friends, a fact that had never really bothered him before. So what if every guy his age felt dumb and superficial? It wasn’t like he  _ needed  _ friends, if they were all going to make him wish he was alone anyways.

But now that there was Jian Yi, someone he could have a real  _ conversation  _ with, of topics they were both interested in? Zhan Zheng Xi had taken it all for granted, hadn’t even realised how much he had enjoyed the ghost’s company.

Sure, Jian Yi could be a bit dumb. Well, a lot dumb really, but that was beside the point, which was that Jian Yi  _ was there. _ Even if Zhan Zheng Xi was a poor excuse of a conversationalist, he still hadn’t disappeared.

Well, not until now.

Zhan Zheng Xi came to a stop when he realised he’d ran all the way home. He stood in front of his apartment building, his chest heaving as he gasped for breath, his lungs burning and feet turned to jelly. But now that he was there, he suddenly didn’t want to go inside.

The cold rain washed over his face, and he fell to his knees on the damp asphalt. He closed his mouth, the lights of the street lamps growing blurry as hot, fat tears joined the steady stream of raindrops falling down his face.

_ What if Jian Yi never came back? _

_ What would he do then? _


	6. holds his breath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xixi and momo miss their ~~boy~~ friends and bond over mario kart.

“You’re home?” Zhan Zheng Xi heard his mother call as he slipped inside and shut the front door. After he had hummed an answer, a rustling sound came from the kitchen, and his mother’s voice got closer. “That’s wonderful, the stew is just about ready so you have—Xixi! You’re drenched!”

Zhan Zheng Xi rubbed his nose, stepping out of his soaked shoes before peeling off the thin jacket that had glued itself onto his body. Avoiding his mother’s eyes, he muttered out the obvious: “It’s raining.”

“Give me your clothes, I’ll wash them right away,” his mother ordered, extending her hand to grab the black beanie off his head. “Look at you, even your hair is all soaked… That’s it, I’ll draw you a bath!”

She patted his cheek softly before turning to the bathroom, and Zhan Zheng Xi exhaled, grateful for his mother’s overly energetic nature as she had failed to notice his red-trimmed and swollen eyes through all her fussing. 

With quick movements, Zhan Zheng Xi took the shoes and jacket from the floor and quickly tossed them to the bathroom, running to his own room before his mother could stop him. He left the door ajar before stripping out of the drenched clothes, shivering as he wrapped himself into a bathrobe. There was a knock on his door, and he heard the faint sound of water pouring into the bathtub as his door was pushed open.

“The bath is ready in a second,” his mother chirped, squatting down to scoop the wet clothes from the floor. “I’ll put these to the washing machine, you take your time with the bath. Dinner will be ready when you’ve finished!”

Zhan Zheng Xi nodded, his back towards his mother as he pretended to be busy rummaging his drawer. Only after he was certain she had left, he let his body drop to the floor, feeling exhausted to the bone.

His curtains were open, the raindrops tapping on his glass visible in the darkness, racing down the cold surface. Zhan Zheng Xi let out a long, dejected sigh, wondering if Jian Yi would be by the river tomorrow.

Maybe if he woke up a little earlier, he could go check up on the ghost before going to school.

With newfound determination, he took a long bath before going straight to bed without dinner, tossing and turning until falling into restless slumber after several hours.

*

Jian Yi wasn’t there the next morning, and he wasn't there in the evening either.

The rain continued for the whole week, and Zhan Zheng Xi went to check on him every day. But no matter how dutifully he stayed and waited, the ghost seemed to have vanished into thin air. A hundred and a dozen thoughts ran through Zhan Zheng Xi’s mind every time he saw the empty riverbed, each more dreadful than the other.

What if Jian Yi’s wish had been fulfilled and he had moved on without saying goodbye?

What if he had hallucinated the whole ghost!?!

What if—what if Jian Yi didn’t want to see him?!?

It was torturous, and it didn’t stop to the visits alone. Even when Zhan Zheng Xi was alone in his bed at night, especially then, the thoughts seemed to quadruple and drown out any ounce of rationality in his mind, making him unable to fall asleep until the early morning hours.

As another week passed by with no signs of Jian Yi, Zhan Zheng Xi was getting used to being asked about the dark bags under his eyes. But he couldn’t care less about his own appearance.

All that mattered was Jian Yi and how he had disappeared, and how to get him back.

*

Zhan Zheng Xi hesitated one day on his way home when he saw a familiar figure leaning against the bus stop. The redhead’s other hand was stuffed inside his hoodie’s pocket, the other holding a cigarette as he stared into the distance with deep concentration in his red eyes.

Like this, standing there with no witnesses other than Zhan Zheng Xi, whom the boy had yet to notice, Mo Guan Shan looked almost peaceful. His skin was soft and pale, his eyebrows smooth and eyes almost gentle, in a fierce sort of way.

Their eyes met, and instantly a guard was lifted, hiding away the carefree expression as Mo Guan Shan nodded, taking one last smoke before stomping the cigarette to the ground. Zhan Zheng Xi walked closer, wondering whether it was exhausting to wear such a mask around everyone.

“Have you seen He Tian?” Mo Guan Shan asked nonchalantly, and if it wasn’t for the tension in his arms, Zhan Zheng Xi would’ve thought he was asking just to start a conversation. But seeing the poorly veiled worry in his friend’s face, he couldn’t help but wonder if the redhead was as annoyed at He Tian as he seemed to be, or if it was all just another act.

He shrugged, realising he truly hadn’t seen the boy ever since he had intruded their tutor hour some weeks ago. “Could he be looking for those glues he was talking about?”

“Yeah, I thought so too,” Mo Guan Shan sighed, fishing a new cigarette from his pocket, lighting it with practised ease before taking a long drag. “I just didn’t guess he’d be gone for this long… You got any idea what he could be looking for?”

Zhan Zheng Xi shook his head, not really interested in He Tian’s whereabouts. It wasn’t as if his presence was tied to Jian Yi’s, so there was no point worrying over both of them. Mo Guan Shan hummed, frowning before cursing under his breath as he looked at his phone.

Zhan Zheng Xi stayed silent while the other continued throwing swear words at his phone while typing something with his fingers flying over the screen, looking more pissed by every tap. After cursing loudly one last time, he stuffed his phone back to his pocket and took a long drag of his cigarette, fuming with poorly veiled rage.

“Did something happen?” Zhan Zheng Xi asks when Mo Guan Shan seemed to be lost in his thoughts. The redhead shook his head and huffed out some smoke.

“I was supposed to be meeting with an acquaintance today, but he ditched me off last second,” he explained eventually, giving Zhan Zheng Xi a tired look. It suddenly dawned to him that Mo Guan Shan was living in a very different world than him, with very different people around him. People who he didn’t even know about.

Was it even appropriate to call them friends?

Zhan Zheng Xi stayed silent for a long while, thinking about his usual lack of interest towards friendships and such. It seemed as if Jian Yi’s appearance had evoked some innate need for company in him, making him think about such silly things.

“You play Mario Kart?” he asked after a moment of hesitation, a twinge of something warm stirring inside him when he saw the corners of Mo Guan Shan’s mouth twitch lightly with amusement.

“Well enough to beat you,” the redhead stated with confidence, stomping the remainder of his cigarette on the ground before stuffing his hands to his pockets, cocking his head slightly as if to ask if they were going or not. Zhan Zheng Xi nodded, and lead the way to his place.

As they were walking side by side on the pavement in comfortable silence, Zhan Zheng Xi lifted his eyes to the cloudy skies, grateful that he now had at least one friend to help take his mind off the loneliness Jian Yi’s disappearance had left gnawing at his insides.

*

“Why didn’t you tell me you were playing!” Zhang Zi Qian exclaimed as she entered the living room, staring at the two boys huddled on the couch together with her mouth hanging open, her eyes fixing on the fingers clicking rapidly on the controllers. “Since when you’ve even been bringing your friends here?”

Zhan Zheng Xi sighed, knowing from experience there was no way of getting his sister to leave him alone if he didn’t let her play until she was satisfied. Without taking his eyes off the screen, he asked her in a monotone voice: “Weren’t you supposed to be at grandma’s?”

“She’s visiting a friend so I came back earlier,” she explained, jumping onto the couch next to her brother, grinning when she looked at the television. “Xixi, you’re losing! Let me play the next ground, I promise I’ll win for you!”

Mo Guan Shan, who had been silent so far, took his eyes off his toad currently dashing on the first place, to look at Zhan Zi Qian with a frown on his face. “She’s your sister?”

Zhan Zheng Xi hummed a reply, taking advantage of his friend’s momentarily distraction to throw a blue shell at him. A string of curses echoed in the room when Mo Guan Shan failed to dodge, and was sent spinning as his toad was passed by Zhan Zheng Xi and some other three players behind him.

Zhan Zi Qian laughed loudly, clapping her hands together as she took a better look at Mo Guan Shan. “Xixi, I want to play against your friend!”

Yeah, that’s because you love it when your opponent gets angry when they lose to you.

Zhan Zheng Xi didn’t say anything, but stared at the screen as the race ended. He turned to Mo Guan Shan, who was staring at his controller with disgust, as if it was the reason for all evil in the world.

“You want to play with my sister?” he asked, sighing inwardly as his sister already yanked his controller and was selecting a track for them to play. “She’s a pro, so playing against her is no fun.”

Mo Guanshan scoffed, eyeing the tiny girl sitting on her legs next to Zhan Zhen Xi. “Yeah, I can play against her.”

Zhan Zi Qian grinned, and clicked on the track she had chosen. Mo Guan Shan turned his eyes on the television, concentrating fully on the game as the race started. Zhan Zi Qian was grinning, holding the controller lazily in her lap as if she was scrolling through the menu and not starting a race.

“What was your name again?” she asked, nodding her head as Mo Guan Shan introduced himself. “See, Guan Shan, if I win this track, you’ll play one round in rainbow road with me, ‘kay?”

Mo Guan Shan scoffed, but agreed nevertheless. Zhan Zheng Xi couldn’t help but smile inwardly, and he rose from the couch, walking to the kitchen to grab himself a glass of water.

The sounds of his sister’s joyous laughter and Mo Guan Shan’s grunts accompanied him as he reached for a glass, a soft smile at the corner of his lips as he listened to them.

Jian Yi would surely like it if he was here now, he thought as he brought the cold water to his lips. He would be so bad at the game too…

Zhan Zheng Xi sighed, a wave of sorrow emerging from where it had been momentarily buried by Mo Guan Shan’s company. It was so weird, the impact Jian Yi’s disappearance had on him.

His grab on the glass tightened as he took a deep breath, waiting until he heard Mo Guan Shan curses intensify before returning to the living room just in time to see his sister’s victorious dance. When she spotted her brother, she sticked her tongue out and laughed elatedly.

“Xixi, I want to play against you once I’ve won the next race!”


	7. the first time his finger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He Tian is back, Jian Yi's mother is found and Xixi has to face harsh reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this was a bit late, I was too swamped with assignments yesterday to publish it ^^'

The first snow fell in November. Zhan Zheng Xi sat on a blanket by the river, holding some coffee in a thermos in his hands while gazing to the woods absentmindedly. It had been getting gradually colder every day as he had waited for Jian Yi, witnessing how the trees slowly shed the last of the colourful leaves to the ground where they were already turning into brown mash.

It almost felt as if Jian Yi had taken all the colours with him when he left.

Zhan Zheng Xi brought the cup to his mouth with a sigh, exhaling the warm scent as he took a deep sip. He lifted his eyes towards the bridge in the distance, illuminated by the faint glow of the last rays of sunlight and the slowly igniting street lamps, the lights reflecting on the dark waves underneath. He was lost in his thoughts, wondering how slowly the month had passed since he’d last seen the ghost.

And then, something cold hit his nose. At first Zhan Zheng Xi’s heart picked up, and he turned his whole body around in one swift flash, for a second almost certain it had been Jian Yi touching him. But when the dark forest behind him was as empty as it always were, the disappointment flaring inside him had made his arms lose their strength, the coffee mug falling on the blanket and spilling what little had been left inside into the soft fabric.

Zhan Zheng Xi stared as it soaked through, and only then did he realise it was snowing. The powder flakes fell little by little from the grey sky, in no hurry at all. Zhan Zheng Xi stared up to the clouds, his throbbing heart finding no fragment of the childlike wonder of seeing the first snow of the winter.

Maybe, if Jian Yi were there…

Zhan Zheng Xi shook his head, pushing the imposing thought away. He rose from the ground, wiped off dust from his jacket before gathering the soaked blanket and thermos to his backpack. It was getting late, and he knew it was useless to freeze himself here.

As he walked back home, he kept feeling like he was being watched. But no matter how many times he turned to look behind, he never saw anyone between the trees. He quickened his steps, hoping that he was either just feeling things, or that it was Jian Yi trying to reach out for him.

It hurt, but Zhan Zheng Xi wasn’t too hopeful of it being the latter anymore.

Well, tomorrow he’d have another tutor lesson with Mo Guan Shan. Maybe the redhead would come to play games with him again, as it had been a really effective distraction for the past week or so.

Even though his sister kept intervening and kicking their asses back to yesterday.

*

The next day, Zhan Zheng Xi had barely sat down when Mo Guan Shan grabbed his hand and announced: “He Tian is back.”

He was sitting on the edge of his seat, biting his fingertips as he stared at his friend. Zhan Zheng Xi put his backpack down and fished his laptop out before answering, not knowing how to feel about the news.

“Oh,” he said, a little guilty of not having even remembered the boy had been away in the first place. “When did he return?”

“Yesterday. Well, that’s when I saw him anyways,” Mo Guan Shan sighed, and it was only now that Zhan Zheng Xi noticed the dark bags under his eyes. Had He Tian stayed the night over, or had Mo Guan Shan been unable to sleep for other reasons?

“He wants to see the river, the place where you met the ghost.”

The words slapped Zhan Zheng Xi in the face, and he choked on air. Mo Guan Shan patted his back, looking worried. “Hey, are you alright? We don’t have to go if you feel uncomfortable…”

“No, it’s not—” he muttered between coughs, shaking his head as he tried to ignore the way his skin was crawling at the thought of showing his and Jian Yi’s place to others. “I just—I’m just wondering why he’d want to do that so suddenly.”

Mo Guan Shan shrugged, leaning back in his chair. “His brother has looked around and they say they’ve found his mom. The ghost’s, that is… And she wants to find the body.”

Zhan Zheng Xi startled, his eyes widening as he stared at Mo Guan Shan in disbelief, blocking the last sentence completely out of his mind. “They found her? Where? Is she—is she alright?”

“Yeah, she’s fine…” Mo Guan Shan sighed, giving Zhan Zheng Xi a puzzled look. “She wants to meet you too. Do you have any plans for tomorrow?”

It was all too sudden, but Zhan Zheng Xi couldn’t find a valid excuse of not meeting her. And so he shook his head, tread filling his stomach at the thought of the upcoming conversation with her. What could he even say, if anything at all?

*

That night, Zhan Zheng Xi had a vivid dream.

He was standing by the riverbed, right at the edge where the muddy bank met the dark waves. The surface was calm, he could see his reflection bright and clear amidst the blackness. His skin was as white as paper, almost transparent even, his eyes dim and hair faded, as if he had spend too much time in the sun and the colour had all started to wash off.

He crouched down, his hand slowly reaching towards the still surface. But when his fingertips neared the surface, the water started fluctuating, breaking the reflection. Zhan Zheng Xi squinted when he noticed something under the pitch black waves, his hand nearly stopping on its track. It was white, shining as it slowly rose from the depths and towards the surface, growing bigger the nearer it was.

Soon Zhan Zheng Xi could distinguish the blond locks flowing around the head—yes, it was a head—and cold shivers ran up his spine. He jolted up from the bank, but his feet were glued to the ground. There was nothing he could do but to stare in fright as Jian Yi broke through the now churning surface, his face sunken and empty eye sockets filled with white, squirming worms.

Zhan Zheng Xi woke up screaming, bolting up from his bed, kicking his limbs to every direction until he realised it had been just a dream, drops of sweat the size of cranberries all over his damp body.

Breathing scatteredly, he swallowed hard while blinking away the unshed tears gathered to the corners of his eyes. He tried to catch his thoughts as the images of what he’d just seen refused to leave his mind, but to no avail.

With shaking hands, he rose from the bed and checked the time, tiptoeing to the kitchen to grab a glass of water when he noticed it wasn’t even three yet. 

He leaned against the counter, lips trembling as a particularly clear image of Jian Yi emerging from the waves came back to his mind. A new wash of nausea made him lean over the sink, retching without anything coming out.

*

The next morning, he waited by the school gates after the last lesson. He would be picked up with Mo Guan Shan and He Tian, who were yet to arrive, by a friend of He Tian’s brother.

After some fifteen minute’s wait, when almost all of the other students had already left, He Tian arrived, a rather red-faced Mo Guan Shan secured tight in a bridal carry in his arms. Zhan Zheng Xi only lifted an eyebrow at them, but when the redhead noticed him, he started struggling and throwing curses at He Tian.

“So noisy,” He Tian tutted, shaking his head as he slowly placed Mo Guan Shan to the ground. Zhan Zheng Xi nodded at him, taking note of the bandage on his temple and the yellow bruise on his cheek.

“You chicken-dick, didn’t I tell you to let me down ages ago?!”

He Tian only smiled at him, and was saved from answering when he spotted a black minivan parked on the side. “I see Qiu’s here. C’mon, let’s not waste any time!”

They stepped inside the car, and were immediately greeted by a wall of muscle with tattooed arms looking indifferently at them on the driver’s seat. When his eyes met He Tian’s he nodded, and didn’t wait for them to close the door properly before starting the car.

* 

The woman looked exactly like Jian Yi.

Zhan Zheng Xi stared at her long, dirty blonde hair, pale skin and skinny legs as she held the door to the shabby motel room open, inviting them in. It was quite crammed with the four of them inside, but she didn’t seem to mind.

Zhan Zheng Xi watched as He Tian pulled Mo Guan Shan with him to the one vacant chair by the window. His own feet were glued to the floor, and he was unable to move a muscle. 

There were a hundred and thousand things he wanted to ask the woman, an endless web of mysteries he wanted to untangle now that he had the opportunity. But as the woman sat on the worn-out bed, motioning for him to sit down next to her, Zhan Zheng Xi found he had no voice. 

How could one even begin to ask? Where  _ could  _ he start? 

_ “Oh hi, I've been chatting with your dead son for few weeks now, and he said he misses you.” _

There was no way he could say any of that. 

He Tian was the one who eventually broke the silence by clearing his throat. He had an unreadable expression on his face, speaking in a neutral tone as he looked at the woman. “My brother said you wished for Jian Yi’s body to be digged up?”

Zhan Zheng Xi’s heart jolted painfully, and he snapped his head to He Tian, who didn’t spare him a look. The words echoed in the room, suffocating Zhan Zheng Xi to the point he struggled to breath. 

But Jian Yi’s mother only nodded, fishing a folded photograph from her pocket, offering it to He Tian. “This is my boy, he was only fourteen when he left… I—I just, I didn’t even get to hold him a funeral…”

She broke into muffled sobs, her hand holding the photograph trembling. He Tian took it from her, unfolded it and gave it to Zhan Zheng Xi, who stared at the offered hand in shock. He took the photo with mechanical movements, swallowing hard before looking at it. He was met with a Jian Yi that looked pretty much the same as he knew it, only the boy in the photo was a little softer around the edges than the thin ghost he’d met by the river.

“I’m sure my brother will do his best to find him,” He Tian said, and Jian Yi’s mother swallowed down the rest of her tears, nodding her head.

“Thank you, thank you…”

They didn’t dare spend too much time with her, as she was clearly overwhelmed by the whole situation. He Cheng escorted them back to the car, and turned to He Tian, his voice solemn: “I want you to take Qiu where you guys think the body will be. I’ll stay here and arrange an apartment for the mother, but it’d be the best if you acted as soon as possible.”

He turned to look at Zhan Zheng Xi.

“So you’re the one who found the boy’s ghost?” Zhan Zheng Xi nodded, and He Cheng gave him a nod. “If his body has really been in the river for over a year, it won’t be easy to recognise him.”

“Could I—could we…” Zhan Zheng Xi found it hard to say the words. Just the thought of scooping up Jian Yi’s remains from the muddy river bottom made nausea rise up his throat, and flashes of the nightmare he had seen filled his head. “Would it be okay if we didn’t do that today?”

He Cheng looked at him for a fat minute, then sighed as he took a step back from the car, holding the door open as he looked at the three boys inside. “It’s okay, I’ll just send people to come pick you up tomorrow morning. Be ready by seven.”

With that, he said a few more words to the driver before slamming the door shut and leaving back towards the motel. Zhan Zheng Xi felt relieved for the delay, but somehow he knew the following night would be a sleepless one.

“Take us to my place,” He Tian instructed the driver once he had pulled off the parking lot. As he nodded, Mo Guan Shan looked upset.

“The fuck do we need to go to your place for?”

He Tian just ruffled his hair and laughed, giving Zhan Zheng Xi a calculating look. “I was thinking of setting up an ouija board. Let’s check if we’ll find Jian Yi that way. Who knows, he might be able to tell us the exact location of his body.”

Zhan Zheng Xi’s eyes widened, and he nodded wordlessly. Originally the thought of finding the body had feared him, not so much as to how terrible it would be to witness, but for the chance that by digging it up, Jian Yi’s wish would be fulfilled and he would truly be gone without a goodbye.

But with a spirit board, hopefully he’d at least get the chance to say goodbye.


	8. clicks the trigger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys use the spirit board to summon Jian Yi.

The driver dropped them off at He Tian’s apartment. After a quick persuasion from He Tian, Mo Guan Shan agreed on making them soup. Zhan Zheng Xi helped him cut the vegetables while He Tian took out the ouija board he had purchased a while ago when he had first heard about Jian Yi.

“I forgot to ask earlier, but did your brother find out anything about Jian Yi’s father?” Zhan Zheng Xi asked, aiming for a casual tone as he pretended to be fully invested on the onion he was cutting. “Jian Yi might have mentioned something about him being there when he died, so I was thinking…”

He Tian was silent for a moment. There was tension in the air, and even Mo Guan Shan made no noise as he started frying the chicken for the soup.

“Yeah, he’s an old acquaintance of our father,” he sighed, tossing the box cutter to the counter as he leaned against Mo Guan Shan’s shoulder, looking gloomily at the hand that was stirring the chicken. “We’ve had problems working with him for years, but my father cut ties when things got too messy, what, it’s been a while now… A year or two, maybe.”

Zhan Zheng Xi nearly cut his finger, inhaling sharply as he thought—wasn’t that around the time Jian Yi died?

“Is that so,” he sniffed, rubbing his eyes and claiming the onion for making him cry. “Are you going to do anything about him?”

“Well, if it was up to  _ me, _ I’d already have silenced him when severing ties with him,” He Tian explained, his voice sounding slightly bitter. He sighed, helping Mo Guan Shan take the curry from the top shelf before continuing. “But my father probably just brushed it under the carpet and asked someone to keep an eye on him. So, I think finding him won’t be a problem, but rather what to do with him.”

“And to be fair, if he had his hands on Jian Yi’s death, well then I’m pretty sure none of us will be able to prove it.” The statement made Zhan Zheng Xi’s stomach drop, and his hand holding the knife loosened, nearly dropping it on his toe.

“If it’s okay to ask,” Mo Guan Shan suddenly opened his mouth, placing the curry on the counter before taking the onions from Zhan Zheng Xi. “But what is it exactly that your father and brother does?”

He Tian chuckled, wrapping his arms around Mo Guan Shan’s waist, holding him tight. “Oh Momo, they do some big people stuff. Something important and not anything that could taint your innocent little earsie-wearsies…”

After getting repeatedly hit by the spatula, He Tian retreated back to the ouija board, grinning widely as if it had been an honor to get beaten by Mo Guan Shan.

While the soup brewed, the three boys set the living room ready for their spiritual session. They laid the ouija board on the floor, and Mo Guan Shan lit the candles with some help from He Tian. Zhan Zheng Xi closed the blinds and put the lights off, trying to calm his fiercely raging heart. He was afraid of what would happen if they succeeded, but the chance of failure made his stomach unbearably unsettled.

They ate in relative silence, which was disturbed only by the occasional remarks from He Tian, mostly aimed at Mo Guan Shan. They put the dishes to soak in the sink, and sat next to each other on the floor in front of the spirit board.

“So, are we ready?” He Tian asked, grinning as he wrapped his arms around the scowling redhead.

“Is this even going to work?”

“What, is our little kitten scared?” He Tian teased, pressing the reluctant body even tighter against his chest. “Don’t be afraid, I am here~”

“Who the fuck said I was scared?!” Mo Guan Shan yelled, struggling to get out of the tight embrace. But He Tian wasn’t relenting, and only pressed his nose on the crook of his neck, inhaling deeply.

“But I am, so please take care of me,” he whispered pitifully. Zhan Zheng Xi had no interest in their affairs, and pressed his fingers on top of the planchette, silently urging the other two to follow. He was about to cough to gain their attention when neither of them made no move, but then He Tian let out a chuckle and nudged Mo Guan Shan.

“You can hold my hand if it’s too scary…” he smiled sweetly, making Mo Guan Shan sputter and quickly place his hands next to Zhan Zheng Xi’s, looking disgustedly at the other.

He Tian only chuckled at him, and followed right after, his pinky brushing on Mo Guan Shan’s as he lowered his fingers on the planchette. “Are we ready?” he then asked, acting as if he wasn’t the last one in position.

Zhan Zheng Xi nodded, taking in a shaking breath as He Tian started talking, his words echoing lazily in the dark room. “Hey there, demons… It’s me, ya boi…”

“Idiot, that’s not how it goes!” Mo Guan Shan hissed, flicking at He Tian’s forehead before straightening his position. “We have to warm the planchette first, and then start with  _ simple questions.” _

“I was just greeting them,” He Tian said, sounding as insincere as one could. “Does little Momo not think it would be impolite to just barge in and start demanding the ghosts some answers?”

Zhan Zheng Xi cleared his throat, and they proceeded to move the planchette around the board in circles for a while, no one daring to utter a word. When Mo Guan Shan nodded, they stopped, and the redhead spoke in a stern tone: “Any spirits out there, here my warning; we will  _ not  _ be allowing  _ any  _ kind of resentful energy here. We are looking for a positive experience only, not negative  _ at all _ , is that clear?”

There was no answer. He Tian was staring at Mo Guan Shan instead of the board, the tip of his nose tinted pink. The redhead ignored his stare as he focused on the board, seemingly satisfied. He took a deep breath, and Zhan Zheng Xi’s shoulders tensed.

_ It was time. _

“Is there a spirit among us?” Mo Guan Shan’s voice was clear and pleasant to the ear, unlike the way he usually spoke as if he held deep personal grudges with whomever he was speaking to. Now, it was as refreshing as a spring stream, and the ghost listening must’ve been pleased to hear it, as the planchette moved.

The three boys stared in shock as it inched slowly to the the left corner of the board, stopping on top of the word ‘yes’. Zhan Zheng Xi felt blood rushing to his head as his heart started beating like crazy in his chest, and he licked his lips twice before opening his mouth.

“Are you a boy?”

He didn’t dare close his eyes as the planchette inched away from the ‘yes’, but was washed by a crushing sense of disappointment when it didn’t return, but continued to move to the other side of the board.

“Okay, so we have a girl or a woman here…” Mo Guan Shan nodded his head, looking at Zhan Zheng Xi as if waiting for him to continue. When he didn’t, he only shrugged and was about to speak when He Tian suddenly chimed in.

“How old are you?”

Mo Guan Shan threw him an ugly glare, but quickly returned his attention to the board. They watched in shock as the planchette first stopped in the number ‘3’.

“So young…” Mo Guan Shan managed to whisper before the planchette continued, this time stopping at ‘0’. He Tian snickered, smiling widely as Mo Guan Shan’s face dropped.

“Well, if Momo thinks 30 is young then so be it~”

But the planchette didn’t stop there. It rose slightly above the zero before dropping back in, effectively cutting He Tian’s silent laughter short. The three boys shivered, the candles around them flickering.

“She’s not gonna be of use to us,” Zhan Zheng Xi finally managed to whisper, his mouth dry as he thought of the three hundred years old woman somewhere in the room. “Let’s ask for someone else.”

Mo Guan Shan nodded. “Thank you for your company, old lady. You may go now.”

They waited in silence for almost a whole minute before the planchette moved again, this time to ‘goodbye’. The three boys all exhaled, relaxing for a short moment.

But just when they were about ready to continue, a loud crash came from somewhere behind them, and the room was filled with blinding, white light.

They all screamed, the board flying to who knows where as they hurried to hide under the blanket on He Tian’s bed, only Zhan Zheng Xi staying paralyzed on the spot, blinking rapidly under the beaming light.

The candles had all blown out by the impact, and as the light started dying, the room was quickly growing darker and darker. Zhan Zheng Xi was just about to rise to open the lights, when he realised just whom had caused the minor explosion.

It was Jian Yi, standing in the middle of He Tian’s living room, a faint glow still emitting from his pale skin. Zhan Zheng Xi stared at him with his mouth hanging open, not knowing what exactly to think.

It had been so many months, but seeing him now made Zhan Zheng Xi feel as if Jian Yi had never even been gone in the first place.

_ It’s like I’ve come home, _ he thought, making himself startled by how accurate the statement was.

But while he stared at Jian Yi in awe as if he was witnessing the second birth of the Christ, Jian Yi took one look at him before bursting to laughter. He toppled over from the force of it, tears gathering to his eyes as the loud echoes of his bright laughter filled the space, making He Tian and Mo Guan Shan peek their heads out of the blanket.

“You—you should’ve seen your faces!” he laughed heartily, slapping his knees as another burst of laughter escaped his mouth. Zhan Zheng Xi frowned, suddenly feeling a bit annoyed. It seemed that for the past month, it had been only him who had mourned the missing company.

“Where have you been?” he asked, his voice neutral. Jian Yi wiped his eyes, smiling widely as he looked at Zhan Zheng Xi.

“It’s not important,” he finally sighed, still smiling as he stepped closer. “What have you been up to while I was gone? You didn’t miss me too much, did you?”

It was agonizing, how much the words slapped him to the face. Zhan Zheng Xi opened his mouth, but no words came out. He swallowed, his hands balling to fists as the shocking realisation washed over him—Jian Yi didn’t  _ care. _

No longer able to hold it inside, Zhan Zheng Xi bolted past the ghost, all the way to the bathroom, locking the door behind him before slumping down on the floor. He closed his eyes, taking deep breaths to calm himself down.

What had he even been waiting for? That Jian Yi would’ve cried miserably when he saw him again? That he would’ve—what, confessed his undying love to him?

Zhan Zheng Xi gasped as hurt pierced through his heart, and he realised how utterly foolish he truly was.

_ Isn’t that exactly what you’d been hoping for? _ the traitorous, terrible voice inside him chirped, and Zhan Zheng Xi curled up on the cold tiles, the mixed emotions inside him making his head swim.

Was he—was he really so stupid, that he had actually fallen in love with Jian Yi?

But—but he was…

But he was what, exactly? A ghost? Or a boy? Zhan Zheng Xi couldn’t answer which bothered him more, as all his raging mind could grasp onto was that whatever it was, there was no point.

Jian Yi saw him as a friend at most. More likely just some guy he knew.

Zhan Zheng Xi waited until he was at least in somewhat normal condition before rising from the floor. He splashed cold water on his face, counting to ten before opening the bathroom door and walking back to the living room.

The three boys were sitting on the floor, talking and laughing together. Zhan Zheng Xi stayed by the doorway, looking at Jian Yi’s silhouette. The ghost was in the middle of explaining something enthusiastically, gesturing with his arms flying all over the place.

When they noticed Zhang Zheng Xi, they scooted over so that he had plenty of space to sit next to Jian Yi. The ghost met his eyes, and Zhan Zheng Xi was once again startled by how golden they really were.

“Xixi, I was just telling them about that one time you nearly slipped and fell to the river, you remember it?” Jian Yi’s voice was as bright as ever, his face as carefree and happy as ever. As Zhan Zheng Xi sat down next to him, he didn’t seem more bothered or excited than usual.

“Your mother wants to dig up your body,” Zhan Zheng Xi said, a pang of guilt pinching his chest at the way Jian Yi’s face dropped, all the joy from before seeping out.

“Oh.”

Mo Guan Shan glared at Zhan Zheng Xi as if he was a moron. He felt heat rise to his cheeks, but before he could say else, Jian Yi opened his mouth.

“Is she—is she okay?”

Zhan Zheng Xi regretted speaking so abruptly, but there was no way of taking it back now. “Yeah, she’s fine…”

Jian Yi nodded, and then let out a dry chuckle, rising from the floor and nodding at the boys. “I’ll be by the river tomorrow the whole day, if you come there I will show you where my body is.”

And with that, he walked out of the living room, disappearing when he reached the doorway.

Zhan Zheng Xi stared at the spot he had vanished at for a long time, the tread inside his stomach spreading all over his body, making him feel disgusted at himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *cries in poor time management skills*
> 
> I promise I'll release the next chapter (the last one before the epilogue!!!!) on time :'>


	9. We all have different reasons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They find Jian Yi's body, fulfilling the ghost's last wish.

Zhan Zheng Xi was already awake by the time his alarm went off. In fact, he hadn’t really fallen asleep to wake up in the first place. Quietly to not disrupt his friends’ sleep, he made his way to the bathroom, not even startled by the purple bags under his eyes.

He rinsed his face with cold water, stopping to stare at his tired expression on the mirror enough for the others to wake up. There was a knock on the bathroom door that startled Zhan Zheng Xi, and he turned the faucet off before turning towards the door and then passing Mo Guan Shan with his head bowed down.

The redhead grabbed his hand, stifling a yawn into his palm while asking, “Could you boil the rice for the congee? I’ll be there in a second.”

Zhan Zheng Xi nodded, not waiting for his friend to disappear into the toilet before dashing to the kitchen, putting the kettle on with automated movements, his thoughts flying to Jian Yi.

He had tried to think it through the whole night, but as the morning sun had swept in through the blinds, he had realised there was no way he could push these feelings away. Maybe it would’ve been possible if he had just let it be when he had first seen Jian Yi, but by now there was no chance he could ignore the way the ghost made him feel.

And the worst part was, it wasn’t even Jian Yi’s fault. Zhan Zheng Xi had no right to be rude at him for disappearing, and for not liking him back. But yet, seeing the ghost so indifferent last night had made blazing white despair fill every pore of his being.

As his friends came to the kitchen, Zhan Zheng Xi forced himself to push Jian Yi out of his mind, only managing to leave oppressing emptiness behind.

They ate Mo Guan Shan’s congee in relative silence, even He Tian seemed to be toning down his usual mission of teasing the temper out of Mo Guan Shan. After they were done, they quickly put the dishes away before grabbing their jackets and going downstairs, where the car from yesterday was waiting. Zhan Zheng Xi sighed as he stepped in, not knowing if he was glad or not that Jian Yi would finally get his wish fulfilled.

*

“Hey guys!” Jian Yi grinned at them, waving his hand as they made their way down to the riverbed. He noticed Qiu walking at the front of a group of men dressed in protective suits, his eyes widening with admiration as he looked at them. “Wow, you all look so strong!”

The man in question looked at him with indifference, turning around to lift an eyebrow at He Cheng, who was busying himself with studying the woods around the river with calculating look. When he spotted Jian Yi, he halted for a moment.

“You must be Jian Yi.”

Jian Yi nodded, and dashed past the tall man to wave at Zhan Zheng Xi and the others. “Zheng Xi! Do you want to see where I am buried?”

Zhan Zheng Xi blinked, staring at the ghost’s cheerful appearance with rising unease in his own throat. How could Jian Yi be like this, if they were about to—about to  _ dig up his body?! _

But he only hummed in acknowledgement, oddly finding it easy to smile under the radiating beam of Jian Yi’s laughter. He Tian took Mo Guan Shan’s hand and dragged him to the edge of the river, pointing towards the bridge and explaining something Zhan Zheng Xi was unable to hear from the freezing wind.

Jian Yi followed his gaze, and stopped when he noticed the two boys. He hummed, looking at the joined hands with a puzzled look on his face. “Zheng Xi, are they together?”

Zhan Zheng Xi was startled by the question, but shrugged. “I don’t know, at least not officially, if at all.”

Jian Yi whistled, turning back to smile at Zhan Zheng Xi. “I think they’d make quite the pair… I had so much fun teasing them both last night, gosh they’re so funny! Especially the redhead, his words have  _ bite!” _

They chatted for a while, but the almost nonchalant atmosphere was broken when He Cheng motioned for Jian Yi to come over. Zhan Zheng Xi followed close as the ghost strutted over. The wind was rustling the blond hair, making it swirl around Jian Yi’s head almost like a golden halo. He looked happy like this, illuminated by the soft morning sun peeking through the faint layer of clouds. Zhan Zheng Xi had to force himself to look away when his heart crushed in his chest, leaving painful shards behind that tore through his skin, making it near impossible to breathe.

But he had to persevere.

After a small exchange of words with He Cheng, Jian Yi motioned for Zhan Zheng Xi to follow before he started guiding them where the river got denser and the road behind them disappeared from sight.

They had walked for barely a couple of minutes when the river narrowed before bending slightly, and they saw a tiny, broken bridge made up by two planks ahead. Jian Yi walked over it with ease, being incorporeal coming with its perks. He Cheng let out a sigh that sounded awfully lot like a groan, and then just straight up jumped into the river and paddled to the other side.

“I could’ve carried you…” Qiu muttered, but was ignored by He Cheng.

He Tian, who had only just arrived to the spot with Mo Guan Shan, scooped the redhead into his arms with practised ease, following after his brother without batting an eye. Zhan Zheng Xi looked into the black, freezing water, but stepped in without a word of discomfort.

The water was barely able to touch his knee, and it was easy enough to make it to the other side. But the temperature being below zero, it was nowhere near a pleasant experience. He had to grit his teeth to keep himself from breathing too hard, and with steeled expression, made it to the other side in just a couple of long strides.

“There,” Jian Yi pointed at a tiny pile of stone and some shattered wood, indicating some sort of building that had once been there, but which had collapsed a long time ago. “Those are the remains of an old well, my body should be down there if no one has come to pick it up these past two years.”

He Cheng and Qiu exchanged looks, and then nodded at Jian Yi. Qiu placed his enormous backpack on the snowy ground before starting to take out suitable equipment, while He Cheng talked to Jian Yi.

“If it’s okay for you, we’d want you to stay until we’ve disinterred you, just to be sure,” he said, waiting until Jian Yi’s approval before turning to instruct his men. Zhan Zheng Xi stared as the men started removing the stones and planks to reveal the mouth of the old well, his heartbeat picking up as he looked at how remote and lonely the place looked.

“Hey, Zheng Xi…” Jian Yi whispered softly, giving him a reassuring smile. “You don’t have to be here if it’s difficult. But please, would you stay by our usual spot afterwards and wait for me, I have something to tell you, okay?”

At first he wanted to refuse, but when he saw Qiu being lowered to the well with a rope, the flashlight on his head sparkling as he turned his head around, he suddenly didn’t want to be anywhere near them when Jian Yi’s body would eventually be digged up. But as he looked at the ghost standing next to him and staring at the well with deep sorrow reflected in his golden eyes, Zhan Zheng Xi knew he couldn’t leave him alone.

“I still don’t know why you all had to be here,” He Cheng grunted when he walked next to his brother, frowning at the teenagers shivering in the cold air. “Won’t this traumatize you all or something? You’ll lose your sleep.”

He Tian smiled tensely at him, scoffing while wrapping his arms tighter around Mo Guan Shan, whose eyes were deeply fixed on the spot Qiu had disappeared into. “It’s okay, it’s just a body.”

The words ran to Zhan Zheng Xi’s ears, and he snapped his head to Jian Yi. The ghost was even paler than he usually was, his silence a true sign of his distress. Zhan Zheng Xi wanted to wrap him into his arms, but knew better than to try. All he could do was stand as close as possible as they all held their breaths, waiting for Qiu to emerge from the well.

Zhan Zheng Xi didn’t realise how cold he had gotten when he felt something warm and soft being wrapped around himself. He lifted his eyes to notice He Cheng giving blankets to the boys, a scowl on his face when his brother refused to let him help wrap it around himself.

“Momo, we can share the blanket, it’ll be warmer that way~”

Turning his attention back to the well, Zhan Zheng Xi sighed as he thought of how this whole ordeal was just something to pass the time with to his friends.

When Qiu eventually hoisted himself out of the well, the body in his arms was mostly completely decayed, the clothes Jian Yi had worn on the night he died long since turned to mush. Zhan Zheng Xi didn’t dare to look at it for more than a second when the men ran to pull Qiu from the well. When they started wrapping Jian Yi’s remains into a bag, he turned on his heels and ran away, ignoring Jian Yi’s pleas as he went.

*

“I’m sorry I just left,” Zhan Zheng Xi breathed deeply as he stared at Jian Yi, who had stayed behind with him while the others had long since left with the body. The ghost smiled at him and shook his head, his blonde hair swaying in the light wind.

“It’s okay, didn’t I say you didn’t have to be there?” he chuckled, staring into the dark river. “If I were you, I wouldn’t have stayed either.”

Hearing the words spoken in such a tiny voice, Zhan Zheng Xi suddenly regretted being so mentally weak and having ran. He stared at Jian Yi, trying desperately to find some words of comfort for him. But all that filled his mind was just the three unspeakable words he wouldn’t dare to utter, not now, not ever.

“The reason I asked you to stay behind…” Jian Yi sighed, the sound piercing its way straight into Zhan Zheng Xi’s heart, making him desperately wish the next words he’d hear wouldn’t be the ones he feared. But the world had other plans, and so Jian Yi stared at him with sorrow behind his eyes as he uttered, “I’ll be gone, for good this time. So I wanted to thank you for the last time. All I ever wished was to make sure my mother was alright and could move on, and now that they have found my body…”

The words echoed in the air until there was no sounds left, not even the rustling of the leaves could be heard under the blood rushing to Zhan Zheng Xi’s ears. He bit the inside of his cheeks until he drew blood, shuttering as he failed to fight back the fat tears falling from the corners of his eyes. It was so unfair, so utterly  _ unfair _ , how he had just gotten Jian Yi back only to have him taken away almost instantly.

“H—hey, why are you crying?” Jian Yi asked, nd Zhan Zheng Xi wanted to punch him in the face for being such an oblivious fool. But he only shook his head as the tears dried out, pursing his lips together instead.

“Please, don’t cry Zheng Xi…” he whined, grabbing his hands at Zhan Zheng Xi’s shoulders. the feel of the light touch was shocking enough to stop the tears from falling, and Zhan Zheng Xi stared at Jian Yi with his eyes snapping wide open.

“You can—you can touch me?” he gasped, staring blatantly as the ghost in front of him nodded, his golden eyes crescents from the widest of smiles splitting his face. Zhan Zheng Xi’s heart was drumming out of his chest as Jian Yi lifted both his hands to Zhan Zheng Xi’s cheeks, cupping his face as a soft hum left his lips.

“So soft, Xixi, you feel so nice,” Jian Yi whispered, leaning in closer until his nose was pressed against Zhan Zheng Xi’s lower lip. His skin felt cold against his own, and Zhan Zheng Xi pressed his shaking hands on his hips, pulling him closer, afraid if he pressed too hard Jian Yi would disappear.

“I thought I was too abnormal,” Jian Yi admitted quietly. He looked small, his hands holding Zhan Zheng Xi’s hands trembling uncontrollably. It was heartbreaking to see how fragile, how utterly  _ vulnerable _ the ghost looked, and Zhan Zheng Xi cursed inside his throbbing heart that he couldn’t scoop Jian Yi in his arms and hold him tight, hold him safe.

“After all, I am  _ dead, _ and you are—it’s not even the correct gender,” he said, every word making Zhan Zheng Xi’s heart skip a beat until his head was dizzy. He gulped, staring in disbelief as Jian Yi continued to speak. “And then the feeling just wouldn’t go away, and gosh, I was so sure you’d hate me…”

“I would never,” Zhan Zheng Xi said, his arms grabbing tighter at Jian Yi’s waist. The ghost only chuckled, shaking his head with sadness in his eyes.

“But I thought, since I’ll be gone soon anyway, what’s the point of keeping it all a secret?” he said, smiling at Zhan Zheng Xi while caressing his cheek gently, his fingers drawing slow patterns in his skin, the sensation making something hot stir inside Zhan Zheng Xi.

Jian Yi chuckled, nuzzling his head more intensely at Zhan Zheng Xi’s neck, the next words almost drowning in the wind, spoken in a quiet, nearly inaudible voice. “Zheng Xi, I—I like you so,  _ so  _ much.”

Zhan Zheng Xi shook, the power of the words momentarily stunning him. He was unable to move a muscle, all the words he wanted to speak disappearing out of his heads as what Jian Yi had just said made their way into his head. But Jian Yi didn’t seem to mind, as he was pressing himself closer to Zhan Zheng Xi’s body, looking at him with desperation.

“Let me—please, can I?” he breathed, his lips ghosting on Zhan Zheng Xi’s jawline, eyes staring intently upwards until Zhan Zheng Xi looked at him, swallowing before letting out the smallest of nods.

He gasped when soft lips pressed on his jaw. He let his eyes fall shut as Jian Yi’s mouth worked its way up the jaw, moving onto peppering the softest kisses on his cheeks, his hand caressing the other softly, almost featherly. It felt all too much, all too suddenly, the spots that had been kissed tingling as heat pooled down in Zhan Zheng Xi’s stomach with such vigour he was left breathless.

There was a longer kiss pressed on the tip of his nose, tickling a little, and then one light on his philtrum. Zhan Zheng Xi gasped, his eyes blinking open just as Jian Yi leaned even closer, softly pressing their lips together.

“I’m sorry,” Jian Yi whispered after finally pulling away, his voice thick as he pressed his head on the crook of Zhan Zheng Xi’s neck. “I—I just couldn’t hold it back…”

“You don’t have to apologise for that,” Zhan Zheng Xi said, pressing his nose on Jian Yi’s head, kissing the blond locks. But Jian Yi started shaking in his arms, and the quiet sobs that tore through his throat made Zhan Zheng Xi’s stomach drop.

He scooped the ghost into his arms, dropping to the ground when he noticed he was glowing again. Panicking, he stroked his face, wiping away the tears with shaking hands. “Jian Yi, Jian Yi what’s—what’s happening?”

Jian Yi only cried harder, his face swelling and red spots rising to his skin as snot ran through his nose. It should’ve been so unattractive, but all Zhan Zheng Xi could feel was overpowering fear as the boy in his arms grew lighter and lighter.

“Jian Yi, don’t—please don’t go,” he begged, pressing him tighter to his own, trembling body, swallowing back his own sobs with great difficulty. “ _ Please,  _ Jian Yi,  _ please don’t go…” _

Jian Yi’s cries stopped slowly, and he sniffed, pressing his now only barely visible hand on Zhan Zheng Xi’s cheek, looking at him through swollen eyes. “This isn’t how I wanted to see you the last time… Xixi, please forgive me for making you cry. But I am too selfish, I had to touch you when I had the chance…”

Zhan Zheng Xi gasped, screaming at the ghost to not leave him. But his fingers that had just been digging to Jian Yi’s back were now pressing on air, the last trails of the ghost’s outline just barely visible, gone in a blink.

Cold air brushed past him, and Zhan Zheng Xi fell motionlessly to the ground, a steady stream of tears falling down his eyes.

The dark waters before his eyes continued on flowing leisurely, unbothered by the events by the riverbed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's kinda it, now there's only an epilogue left! It'll be about Jian Yi's funeral a few weeks later.
> 
> I feel so sad to see this story come to an end, I worked so long with making this! I'm not extra happy with how some of the parts turned out but overall I'm satisfied I managed to see it to the end ^^
> 
> Thank you for all of you guys who read this and liked it <3 This is my first fic for this fandom and I wasn't sure if people even wanted to read angsty zhanyi, I'm so glad some of you did! Well, I guess I'll be writing something fluffy next, I don't think my heart can handle to see these two be sad anymore :'>


	10. for forgetting to breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jian Yi's funeral.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the short epilogue as promised! I'm sorry it took me so long to write :<

On the day of Jian Yi's funeral, the sun shined brighter than it had for weeks. Zhan Zheng Xi stood in front of the cinerarium, staring blankly at the thin layer of snow on the railing, glimmering under the orange rays of the setting sun. A small group dressed in black huddled close together near the pair doors, waiting for Jian Yi’s mother to return from inside the white building.

Zhan Zheng Xi’s eyes skimmed the crowd, a cold tug in his heart when he noticed only his friends and their family had showed up.

It seemed that Jian Yi really had no family who cared about him, apart from his mother. The thought made Zhan Zheng Xi knees wobble, and he tried his best to keep his posture straight. Biting his lips, he swallowed, clutching onto the white flowers in his hands until his knuckles turned white and the stems twisted. 

He stared intensely at the white snowflakes falling steadily to the ground, hoping his feelings could be buried underneath the cotton snow along the vegetation. A static sound flooded his ears while the whispers of the crowd faded out, and Zhan Zheng Xi shut his eyes as the headache split his head in two.

After Jian Yi had gone, headaches became a regular nuisance in Zhan Zheng Xi’s life. In the most gruesome of ways, he had learned just how unfair life could be, and mere thinking of Jian Yi and his carefree smile was enough to turn Zhan Zheng Xi into a sobbing mess. There weren't even enough words in his vocabulary to begin describing just how utterly, undeniably unfair it was that Jian Yi, the boy who had been able to lift his entire world upside down, could be gone from this world, taking all the warmth with him as he went.

Zhan Zheng Xi choked, the corners of his eyes growing wet as the ugly, intrusive thoughts filled his head, spreading the throbbing pain down his spine. He pressed his hand onto his stomach in a shaky attempt to ground himself.

Ever since Jian Yi had confessed to him by the riverbed, Zhan Zheng Xi’s mind had played tricks on him, forcing him to see a shadow of the ghost in every corner and nook. But no matter how fast he ran, he hadn’t been able to catch the boy yet. Weeks had passed, and not a single night had gone without him waking up in cold sweat, the images of Jian Yi’s mangled body fresh in his mind.

He knew, deep inside, that Jian Yi was gone for good. But it was difficult, almost impossible to accept the reality that the very thing that had become the centre of his existence was gone, replaced by a hollow emptiness gnawing at his insides. 

The door of the cinerarium clanked open, snapping Zhan Zheng Xi out of his thoughts. He turned around slowly, hands clenched to fists as he momentarily locked eyes with the slender woman standing at the top of the stairs. Her cheeks glistened with streaks of tears, the black veil falling from her neatly tied up hair hiding none of her sorrow from the onlookers. 

She started walking down slowly, staggering at the steps. The small crowd sprung into life, an elderly lady rushing in to grab her by the arm, helping her steady her feet.

Zhan Zheng Xi's eyes dropped onto the white jar in her arms, and suddenly it was impossible to breathe. He toppled over, the flowers falling to the snowy ground as he covered his mouth, shaking as waves of uncalled sobs broke through his body. 

A hand patted his shoulder, but Zhan Zheng Xi couldn’t bring himself to react, too busy blinking away the stream of tears gushing down his face. A whimper escaped his lips, and he screwed his eyes shut tighter, trembling from the attempt to keep himself from falling completely apart.

“Come on, Xixi, we should go.”

The voice was soft, cutting through the haze in a sharp flash. Zhan Zheng Xi shuddered a breath, taking a minute to calm himself. After his breath had grown steady enough, he reached for the flowers on the ground before letting himself be pulled up. Mo Guan Shan helped him wipe the snow from his hair, and Zhan Zheng Xi opened his mouth to thank him.

But no words came out, only a wheezing sound, as if someone had punched out all the air from his lungs. In the end, he could only let the redhead grab him by the arm and lead him towards the crowd making its way down the long rows of graves.

Zhang Zheng Xi glanced at Mo Guan Shan, startled by what he saw. The redhead looked older, more serene with the way his eyes fixed ahead, steadfast and determined. His straight posture and the black suit hugging his body gave off a more mature aura than Zhan Zheng Xi had ever seen the boy have.

It must be the overall atmosphere seeping in, he thought, heart squeezing painfully in his chest.

They stopped by the designated grave. Zhan Zheng Xi couldn’t bring himself to look at the stone tablet, where Jian Yi’s name was engraved in golden letters. He grasped onto Mo Guan Shan’s arm, casting his eyes on the ground as Jian Yi’s mother lowered the urn on the ground.

“I hope you're happy, wherever it is you are,” her voice wavered, shoulders hunched as she stared at the grave, holding a shovel in her shaking hands. “I'm sorry I couldn't protect you, my baby boy. I'm so sorry I failed… I only—I only hope you have found peace. And that you won't blame yourself. You are my angel, the best angel out there. Honey, I—I love you so, so very much. And I miss you even more.”

She sniffled, tossing dirt on top of the urn before collapsing on the ground. Sobs tore through her body, and she clutched onto He Cheng’s body as he lifted her off the ground, carrying her next to Mr Qiu, who was standing a few steps behind the crowd.

Zhang Zhen Xi couldn’t remember a lot of what happened next. By the time he came to, Jian Yi’s grave had been fully covered, a pile of flowers on the ground, the candles highlighting the pure snow as the evening turned darker.

“We’ll wait for you in the car,” Mo Guan Shan patted Zhan Zheng Xi’s back, taking He Tian’s offered hand before following He Cheng and Qiu out of the graveyard. Zhan Zheng Xi watched them leave, eyes focused on Jian Yi’s mother’s back as she leaned against He Tian’s brother.

Only after they had disappeared did he bring his eyes to Jian Yi’s grave. Taking a deep breath, he crouched before the mound. He twisted the flowers in his hands, suddenly not knowing what to say.

He had prepared a speech, a confession of sorts. He wanted Jian Yi to know his feelings were reciprocated, and that no matter what came through, Zhan Zheng Xi would never forget him.  _ Couldn’t  _ ever forget him.

But as he stared at the golden strokes on the stone, his mind went blank. There weren't any words he could utter, not a single prayer strong enough to bring justice to Jian Yi’s memory. All the words he’d prepared felt plain and worthless compared to the impact Jian Yi’s mere presence had evoked in him.

Zhang Zheng Xi breathed in the sharp air, the snowfall growing steadily heavier around him as he crouched on the ground, as still as a statue. His hair rustled in the passing wind, the tears from earlier freezing on his reddened cheeks as time slowly passed.

It was only after his fingers had turned from red to purple that he lowered the flowers next to the others, standing up with a sigh. His joints screamed after being forced to be in the same position for so long, the freezing air turning his already stiff body even more rigid.

As his breathing slowly evened, he noticed a beaming light at the corner of his vision. 

Heart jolting in his chest, he snapped his head to the front gate of the graveyard, spotting a tiny, fist sized orb glimmering above the metal fence.

Zhan Zheng Xi’s breathing quickened as the light grew stronger, pushing inside the graveyard while gaining more strength and size. Almost in a trance, Zhan Zheng Xi stepped closer, extending his hand to greet the beacon he couldn’t dare to name.

The brightness blinded him, wrapping his entire being inside its warm glory. Unbothered by the tears brought to his eyes by the intensity of the light, Zhang Zheng Xi stared straight into it, surrendering himself to its brute force. The corners of his lips lifted, and he whispered a silent plea into the cold air as the ball of light turned from an orb into a human shape.

“Jian Yi…”

The snowfall continued until next morning. By the time the morning sun peeked in through the trees surrounding the graveyard, not a single trace of steps was left visible from under the thick layer of powdery snow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled a lot with the last scene as the original I had planned no longer felt any good, and I was rereading the latest chapters and spotted so many grammatical errors I want to weep. There's a reason I never reread what I've already published :'d
> 
> But I ended up with this very open ending, and I want to leave it for the reader to decide what exactly happened. Did jy come back for zzx? Or was zzx just hallucinating? It's up to you, now.
> 
> Lastly, thank you so much for reading this little story, and for making it to the end ❤️ It makes me the happiest to see people have read what I wrote 🥰 This piece is very precious to me, as it has let me connect with these characters, especially zzx, in a much more intimate way than I've gotten to before. So, a huge thank you for reading and (hopefully) enjoying this story!


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